Episode 3 - The Divorce Awakens

[qt4x11]

I rewrote that last entry yet again. The reason why is that it seems very important to get straight in my head (and you're not able to edit posts on this message board)


-------


Caroline Myys wrote that the thing that keeps grief alive the most - is actually not the incident itself but the need to know why it happened. Or who’s to blame. Or could I have done something to fix the situation. These questions keep us from moving on and healing ourselves, they keep us invested in regret and painful memories of the past. If we can only choose to move on in the absence of the answers to these questions - the pain slowly begins to diminish day by day.
With a heavy heart, I have to admit that my situation seems very bleak, and we are very far down the road to divorce. A divorce has already been filed, she is unwilling to talk to me right now about why she is doesn’t want to first try to save our marriage by going to counseling, I made some progress in getting her to open her heart and communicate at a deeper level - but then I ‘lost it’ and set myself back months by my impulsive behavior. I’m already living outside the house. Our friends and family already know that we are splitting, which is reinforcing of the situation in and of itself. What else do I need to convince myself this is really happening?
I’ve decided that it would be healthier for me to let go of any expectations of what will happen in the future, and to deal ‘with life on life’s terms’. And to let go of the need to know why certain things are happening. This divorce is happening, there’s not much I can do to make her change her mind, but I will be responsible, pleasant and non confrontational about it, and take care of my kids above all else. I’ll also continue to go to 12 step meetings, therapy, and pursue other ways to improve myself as a person - not as a ploy to get my wife back, but because it’s the right thing to do.
This tiny hope that I have inside me, I have to snuff it out right now because it is not helping me on any level. My kids need me, and there are a great many things in my life that I have to face up to with a clear mind. I feel like I have to kill off any last vestiges of love I have may for my wife right now, so that I can move on.