Detachment and the end of limbo, sort of...

[Painter]

Phoebe, it sounds like a lot all at once. I hope you can get a restful day to digest and journal and lay in the grass (or something like that).

We'll be here when you are ready.

[Phoebe]

Ok. So I guess I'll give it a go again and try to journal mysat few days again.

Let's see. I spent the evening of my last post packing up all of WH's things into crates and boxes and loaded up two vehicles with all of WH's things and packing materials to use to bring my own stuff back with me. I did all of that by myself, and it wasn't much fun.

The next morning three of us made the drive to the other house, my mother, L-friend, and myself. We drove out there based on information that the house appeared to be unloved in and my other L's advice that I should check on the place, given that it is a large asset. So out we went.

5 hours later, we arrived to find that not only was the house not abandoned, but WH was living there, at least for a few days. Luckily he was out at work for the day. So much for those plans. L-friend advised to get the heck out of Dodge, and not leave any trace that we had ever been there. I photographed all of our belongings to help me when eventually divide up the household goods, but photos were all I took. I was frustrated hecause I really wanted to get rid of all of H's stuff and bring my own 'treasures' home again so I can enjoy and use them. instead, we just headed back home immediately.

It felt like a wasted trip with many hours of driving between the two cars. Plus, I felt guilty for dragging two other people along.

So, here's the kicker that I found in the house. WHs brand new journal was sitting there on the table, and I read it. It wasn't very long, and was just started recently, but it detailed his very screwed up thought process a bit, and what happened to his R with the AP. She dumped him because he cheated on her. He lied to her all along, too. So, he got dumped for cheating on his AP, who he cheated with when he was with me. His affairs started well before he abandoned me, and now I know for certain how badly he gas lighted me for those first 4 months after he ran away.

There were at least 8 other women's names that he mentioned being involved with in the journal. He doesn't know right from wrong, or lies from truth. The worst part is that he knows he can't stop lying. He was counting days since his last lie, like an addict counting days clean. And oh yeah, it sounds like he may also be an actual addict, too. It was profoundly disturbing. I took photos of it and had my psychologist read it yesterday. He said that WH is in serious crisis and needs real help. He also thinks WH's therapist is way out of her depth with H's case. Even my T called WH a trainwreck and a person with significant pathology.

I made the urgent appointment with my therapist just to talk about H's writings and to try to help me figure out how and what it means that I missed seeing this man's true nature. I would so prefer to think that this wasn't the person I met and fell in love with and married all those years ago...

Anyway, I've read the journal twice now, and I'm still just numb about it.

In better news, my Intel helped the process servers, and I was able to get him served that very night. Chalk up one for Team Phoebe. Finally. So there was one major highlight in the day.

So now I'm just trying to keep afloat with the D process which has now gone active. Well, exhaustion has once again crept up on me. More later!

[SH_]

Phoebe, while I can tell the weight of yesterday has taken a toll on you, some of this can bring closure to what you are dealing with.
You can feel confident that the path you are taking is one that you need to take.

I hope that you do not spend too much time trying to evaluate what you missed, or what you should have seen in the past. You are not broken or to blame. Quite simply he is.
Understand that as life is to short trying to fix something in you that don't need fixing. You can not shoulder one ounce of the blame.
Look only long enough to learn what is needed and move on.

Sleep well my dear Phoebe. I hope to hear some more nature stories or how those tough chicks are doing.

[Phoebe]

My tough chicks are doing shockingly well, SH. A full week out from the slaughterhouse scene, and every bird I could find that night (10 of the 13) is still alive and clucking! Today was the first day I let them out to free range again for a little while, and they were pretty darn excited to be out choking down on grass and searching for bugs. I made sure they were all locked back inside the fence before I left the house for my meeting.

My L-friend keeps telling me that I need to start telling myself these things:
1- this was not due to anything I did/I am not at fault
2- I am rid of a person I wouldn't have ever wanted in his current state ( his actual comparison was to a beautiful Christmas gift that you unwrapped only to discover that it was really just a bag of coal) - so I am rid of a bag of coal
3- that I shouldn't re-examine all my memories, rather just accept that I had at least 20 years of a relationship that was genuinely good, and then it just changed.

I'm trying to accept those thoughts as truth. Certainly it helps to believe H wasn't like this when I married him.

[SH_]

Sounds like those chicks take after another super tough chick I know
Pleased to hear they are close to a full recovery.

Your L friend is a smart dude if I do say so myself. Do take his suggestions and make those your repeating thoughts.

I have a few more Ted Talks for you once you confirm that you finished the others I have shared with you.

All of this and our progress is about our mind sets. To bad this is not taught in schools as the things I am learning are more valuable to what I am accomplishing than all my years in school.
Mental strength and fortitude starts within, not from our circumstances. We just have to exercise it same as any other muscle in our body.
I have a ways to go, but from just a few short months ago, I am feeling in control in the face of some very uncomfortable circumstances.
You can as well by continuing to change some old mental habits.
I'll say it again. Your l friend has given some great advice. Program it into the old computer that is your mind. It will stick if you put in the effort.

Sleep well. I gotta hit the hay myself. Early morning jog will be here before I know it.

[Phoebe]

Good night, dear SH. Thank you for checking in on me, and for the encouragement. It means a lot to have you in my corner.

[Painter]

Oh gosh, Phoebe, that's a lot to digest. I agree that he is in a really bad place mentally. It sounds like he is trying to fill an inner emptiness with drugs and women. Here's what I think is a possible explanation for what you are seeing. I think he fell in love with you and had a great marriage because you possess what he felt he was lacking. If he is rudderless and weak, you have grounding and direction and persistence and strength.

But after all those years, he may have become resentful. He may have kept his own weaknesses and urges in check, but you weren't able to fill that inner emptiness anymore, especially when you weren't there all the time. So he needed something stronger, more intense till fill that void, and it had caused an entire unraveling because he had lost his anchor (you).

I may be completely off but I think it could be one explanation.

So I think you gave him 20 years of a stable and happy life he wouldn't have had otherwise, but you couldn't fix what was broken inside.

[JksD]

I love what Painter and SH have posted. You have given H 20 years of happiness and security. Which he will probably never find with anyone else, maybe even with you, in his current messed- up state.

Don't second- guess your good times and let your H's current state taint those memories. You are a good person and you deserve those memories.

(((Phoebe)))

[Cherry]

Phoebs, hope everything is okay.
Sorry you have been made upset by a new discovery. Sending lots of love to you.
Don't let the bast**d get you down. You've been doing great. Forget about him and the car crash of a life he made himself.

((Phoebe))

[Cherry]

I keep getting in a habit of posting and then realising there's another page and I have responded to something old.. I blame baby brain.

It's quite sickening the behaviour of your h. Shows how deep his waywardness really is. L sounds like a very wise friend, I'm glad you have that kind of support. Keep focusing on you. He is a walking disaster area, and clearly has a lot of issues that he needs to focus on.