Chapter 3. Let the detachment begin

[SH_]

SH:

Thanks for your reply. You are right. I'm the energizer bunny. I've taken on DB/DR and most other things in my life with an energy that is unprecedented. So will I take things to the limit and beyond yes.

I will comment on this in a moment.

I spent most of my career in the large corporate sector and have worked with all kinds of people on how to better communicate with the people in the executive suites, subordinates and the people sitting next to you.

Then you may understand the goal of removing emotion and tone when writing/ reading emails, so as to stick to details and business when communicating electronically.

Not that I want to argue with you - in fact just the opposite. I want clarification.

I will share my thoughts in hopes to clarify.

Sandi2 - I try and follow her advice to the letter (if I can). The idea that my W does not respect me and will only rethink her choices once she does, seems to make sense to me.

Sandi2 has said it, Vanilla has said it and I have seen it in other posts, that a WW is different than a WAW and therefore approaches will differ. If I am correct from your story, your W is a WAW. sandi has also stated on many occasions that her rules should be applied more as guidelines, therefore following to the letter of the law may not be the best approach for you nor many of us. sandi points this out often in many of her posts

My W is a superb writer. She has never sent/published anything without it being well crafted and considered the audience. She knows the golden rule - saying please and thank you means lots to the reader - when you want something from them. She sent that note with a chip on her shoulder. She did not want to say - I have a good opportunity would you help me out...

bigybiz, this is mind reading and I believe that you know that. She is no longer the W that you knew, and she has fired you as her H. This IMHO is where I critique your approach with her as it relates to your perception of her email, which if read from a different viewpoint does not appear to be disrespectful. You are reading it as if she is the W you knew and as if you are still her H.

Try this, if you had arranged a babysitter or daycare provider for your S's and you were sent this email from the babysitter would you have reacted in the same manner?
It would be hard to believe that you would


I can't remember what I posted on this - but the time W spends with our S10, S15 she often feels is not enough (unless she has something better to do). When we hammered out the arrangements with the Dr. during family therapy she left not happy. It is a consent point of contention. So the "I won't be able to spend 3 hours.." is a passive aggressive statement. As she feels that I'm keeping her from them.

I am not really following this comment. She feels that she does not get enough time with her s's. Okay, so what? She asked you to take them. That is her choice and so her "feelings" of not enough time are her issue when she chooses not to take the time that was agreed to. I don't follow how that is your problem, or why she would be passive aggressive to you when she is making the decision to short her own time. Maybe I am not understanding this, but it really should not play into how you reacted. More mind reading, if you are taking it as passive aggressive.
The advice here is, DETACH. (I'm sure you have heard that from me a time or two or 100. )

Again, the details are not important. So I helped because it's good for me and my son. Was I a doormat - probably.

You indicate that you want to follow sandi2's advice to the letter if you can.
Here is some advise that she posted on jimkao's thread today.

I would hold her feet to the fire about sticking to the scheduled days to have the kids. B/c I think once you move up there, she will want to "use" your availability for her advantage. You are a good father, and not keeping the kids when she has other plans does not make you a bad parent. If you ever start keeping the kids on her scheduled days........I think she will have you tied down every night and especially weekends. If it were me, I would nip it in the bud the first time she wants you to keep them "for just a little while". I would tell her that I prefer to stick by the court's schedule.......at least for a while. The boys will never know where they are going on what day, so a schedule seems necessary, IMHO. Besides, what did she do before you moved and she needed a sitter? Right? I see so many fathers on this forum say that never pass up an opportunity to keep their kids.....and then go into how much they love them. That is not the point here. Everyone knows you love those kids, and you don't have to prove it. You do need to prove to your SBXW that you are not available to keep the boys when it's on her scheduled time. You have made plans, and no, she doesn't get to know any details. You did not move up there to be her babysitter.

bigy, this falls in line with my analogy of how you are moving so fast to learn something that you run out and shoot yourself in the foot applying what you learn to the incorrect things.
The change up in who is watching your kids is the battle that you should have been focused on and attempting to draw the line for, but you got caught up on the insignificant battle of tone in an email.
Think about it from this perspective in the big scheme of things. Is your correcting her email etiquette really the respect you need and will it really bring her closer to you? Or will it make her feel as if you do not respect her and will it make her respect you less?

Did I tell her that if you want to work with me (as she says she does) you need to be nice and respect the person you are working with.

She does not want to work with you as a husband. She wants to work with you as a co-parent. Understanding that may change your expectations and help you stay focused on the important battlefronts.

So SH, Sandi2 and others - the issue for me is the email she sent she would not send to the cable guy. So how did I do? I've read many times that we would not accept disrespect from a spoiled child - so why from a WW/WAW.

I stand by my observation that you took on the wrong issue. My observation is you did so, because you need to focus more on detaching, and the appropriate setting of boundaries so that you can be respected.

Switch places with your WAW for a moment and tell me if you would respect her more if she were to patronize you and speak to you as if you were a child as it relates to a tone and nice words in an email.

bigy, you know that I give this feedback to you with all the respect of a fellow DB brother and one that looks up to many of the things you have accomplished.
I hope that my feedback can benefit you.

Take the batteries out once in a while and slow down. Step back, take a breath and give your WAW, yourself and the whole situation a breather once in a while.
Pick your battles wisely.
You have a war to win.
Being the energizer bunny is good as you will keep persisting and that is needed in your sitch. But be cautious as the energizer bunny can be annoying if the lil drum it is beating does not stop once in a while.

Keep on keeping on my friend.
You have many good things a head of you.
Be sure you slow down and recognize them on occasion.