Had a similar situation about 5 years ago with OM (EA).
I’ll admit that we had drifted apart for a couple months this year but I recognized that and started to reconnect.
June 3th W invites me to an event she is at I attend and we have a pretty good time.
June 4th W meets girlfriend for wine. Comes home and we go out on our patio and share a cigar and wine. We end up having ML on the patio. She goes to the bathroom and I look at her phone and there are texts from another man some flirty in nature. I confront her tell her we’re done (had a few drinks in me at the time). She starts to cry I go up to bed to go to sleep. Get a text from her around 2AM “I care for you” to which I didn’t respond when I saw it the next morning.
She texts around 12:30PM the next day “I’m on my way home we should have a discussion. We go to our room and she delivers the patented ILYBNILWY “I think we should S or D” “I want it to be amicable” “I hope we can be friends” “I don’t know that I ever really loved you…I was just trying to get out of the house because of my Dad” “I’m so confused” “I don’t know which direction to go” “We should start sleeping apart…I can sleep on the couch”. I resisted. We slept in the same bed that night and the following night.
A couple nights later as we were getting ready to go to sleep she asked me “are you going to sleep on the couch” and I said “no, why” she replied “Because we’re D’ing”. I said I’m not D’ing to which she says “so you’re going to force me to stay in a marriage I don’t want” then I said “If you want a D so bad, you figure it out but I’m not going to lift a finger to help”. She was insistent on telling our DD’s and I let her do the talking while I reiterated that it was her decision and I won’t lift a finger to help.
Found out a couple weeks later that it is the same OM (EA) from 5 years ago.
A week later, we were coming home from an event and I told her “it’s very disappointing how easy it was for you to lie to me”. We got home and she said “I don’t think I should go on vacation with you and the DD’s” I asked why and she said “You said something mean and now I feel awful” I responded “I didn’t say anything mean I’m just speaking my truth” I had another party to go to and in the middle of the party she texted “I’m sorry”. That night I returned to our bed where I’ve been ever since (June 25th).
Had a nice time on vacation…we seemed to be reconnecting (holding hands, letting me give her a kisses, etc). Also she broke down a couple times about how awful she feels…doesn’t know if she can forgive herself. I had a blowup to which I apologized…told her I wanted to give her a safe place to land (I know…desperate and needy…eck).
After vacation was over, I asked her in bed how she was feeling and she replied “you’re suffocating me” so I backed off for a couple days…not initiating text communication during the day (I usually send her a heart emoji in the morning), etc. Our anniversary was that Saturday so I got her flowers, a present, and card. She also got me a present as well. Had a great romantic dinner at a restaurant at a place we hadn’t been to in years. She thanked me the next day for planning everything (I fell down on the job on that one too by not planning nice nights out).
Last week, it seemed that she was avoiding me by spending time with her friends (I verified that she was actually where she said she was). I called her on it Friday night and she said “You’re smothering me…I think we should S or D” I told her we shouldn’t make any decisions about our marriage right now. . I have since backed way off (not giving hugs, kisses, saying ILY, you know the basic needy desperate stuff) She is in IC which is a huge step for her as she suffers from depression.
I’ve now started to 180 and I have to say it’s very difficult. We are still under the same roof sleeping in the same bed. I’m also reading DB and I’ve just started to take an Anti-Depressant.
I stand ready for the 2x4’s and look forward to any advice.
