Progress is slow but does happen!

[sandi2]

IC seems to be councilling her on how to exit - or provide her clarity. If she really wanted out why doesn't she just ask for a D? Why do they continue to hurt us in this manner by hanging on? Is it cake eating or to keep us as a backup plan?

It is her way of keeping you as her backup plan. And yes, it is "cake eating". It is my argument about in-house separation and why it doesn't work. B/C it is MAJOR cake eating for the WW.

[PacLove]

Thanks Sandi2 - I don't know if this gives me a glimmering of hope or makes me feel more downcast that I'm somebodies' 2nd./"backup" plan... I suppose we are all here to try and save our marriage (or ourselves) through this process.

[AndrewP]

It is her way of keeping you as her backup plan. And yes, it is "cake eating". It is my argument about in-house separation and why it doesn't work. B/C it is MAJOR cake eating for the WW.

I was going to post this on my own thread but I thought a minor hi-jack would be OK.

I am in an in-house separation as well. I've just realized that even though I'm the LBH that I'm cake-eating too. I have the marital home and all the family resources too. I can pretend to the world that everything is fine and not have to explain myself. I even have the better part of the deal. I have the MBR and can hold my head high without guilt. I too am reluctant to drop the rope and leave / boot my W out out of fear of losing my connection to my own Plan A and of the turmoil and discomfort that would result. I can even delay this indefinitely while everything spins around the drain.

Hmmmm.

[betterm]

I've just realized that even though I'm the LBH that I'm cake-eating too.

I guess I was a cake-eating LBH too, but my cake tasted like spoiled eggs and burnt milk... it wasn't an enjoyable cake to say the least. I don't know where I'd be if I wouldn't have bullied my way back into the MBR, indirectly forcing my W out of the house "for good"... but I'm glad I did so. I don't want to be Plan B or the "default" fall back guy... if that's what you are when she decides to come back to you, that's what you'll be when someone new comes along for the next A... she knows she won't be losing you... you'll just stick around and wait for her while she's having A after A, as she knows her good ole #2 will just be waiting back for her at home... rubbish.

[PacLove]

LOL my wife is more or less out but does spend the odd night in the guest bedroom and still keeps her Wardrobe here. But I too feel like we are both taking advantage of the situation. On my nights without D I get out and do fun things. I have the house mainly to myself and still manage most of the $. I also have 70% custody of D although that also comes with all the responsibilities of getting her off to school, making sure she's fed etc. If we were to Divorce I'd likely have to give up the family home and custody would shift to 50/50. To say we are in a pickle would be an understatement as we both seem to have mostly what we want right now except each other.

[PacLove]

So update on the cam sich - checked in with W sharing that with the recent crimes I felt it was a safe thing to do and she gave me a thumbs up.

Now it's making the time to do it which I may/may-not have time to do before I leave. Her knowing that I may install them is good enough for me, as my IC sad yesterday do I really want this spoiling my vacation - if the temptation to watch the house while I'm away is too great then leave it be. Plus what would I ultimately do with any Intel I gathered... nothing.

On another note in a dream last night I was tempted to write a letter to W expressing all the feelings I've had in the last two months, especially the anger over the situation. I know this isn't proper DB'ing so probably wont do it, or if anything may journal it... but then again I thought I did see somewhere that if it helps you personally to deal with your anger you should express it towards the person you are angry at... has anyone else shared there anger with their WS? if so did it help you? how did they react?

[lfm]

Hey PacLove - Before really getting into what I should be doing, I had written my wife a couple of letters expressing how I felt, my anger, frustration with the situation, etc.

With my WW, it just made her angry and pushed her further away. She felt it was controlling, and trying to tell her what to do.

That does not mean that you won't have a different experience, I think you just have to try to figure out what is it you wish to accomplish by giving her such a letter and does doing so get you closer to your desired end result.

In my case I think it pushed my WW deeper into the fog, and she is further away from me now than she has been since the BD back in early April.

Just my two cents, I'm sure others out there may have different opinions.

[doodler]

...has anyone else shared there anger with their WS? if so did it help you? how did they react?

Hell yes I've shared my anger with the WW! I've never done it via a letter, but I have done it plenty of times in person (direct delivery is always better in my opinion). And I've even, on occasion, used graphic and very descriptive language (Cadet would never believe that). I have never been violent, but I have been very angry and my anger was appropriate and I don't regret unloading some of my anger at the source of the anger. Is it something you should do all of the time? Absolutely not! But, anger is part of the human condition and expressing it appropriately isn't a bad thing. Is it DB? I don't know, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

[betterm]

About the Cams, if you're putting them up to spy, then don't. If you're putting up for the reasons you say you're putting them up. It's a no brainer. I think you're using the "security" reasons as a buffer on why you really want to put them up, which is to spy on your W.
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On the letter, write it, but don't give it to her (immediately). I've found that writing letters, notes, journaling, etc has been a huge reason why I've been able to take the steps in DBing that I have, so I highly recommend it. Write the letter, but do not give it to your W until you've re-read it at least 3 times, over the course of 3 days (the 72 hour rule)...
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Like LFM said, letters of this sort will most likely come off as pushy, pursuing, manipulative, etc... but the point is to keep things as direct as possible (see doodler approach)... If I were your coach, I'd tell you to write the letter, and then burn it after you've read it a few times.
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My personal sitch, it took me a long time to show any "anger" towards/with my W. for the longest time, I took blame for all of our problems, and I know that ANGER is really just another way to express hurt and/or fear... I didn't feel I was "allowed" to feel hurt/angry as I took on a lot of the blame. Once I got over the hump, and realized I'm in this for myself, I was able to see that I am allowed to feel hurt, I am allowed to be angry, so there have been several occasions where I have expressed my hurt to her, and reminded her that she is not the only one suffering through this horrible event in our lives. How she's not the only one feeling 'betrayed' and how her actions have not been what I would've expected in this time either...She was surprised to hear this the first couple times, because I'd been so GAL that she thought I just didn't care and was moving on without her in such a fierce way, I didn't give a rip about her at all... In truth, I do, and I was hurting on the inside, and all the GAL was really just a way to shield myself from having to "feel"... something my IC has been helping me with as well.

[PacLove]

Betterm thanks for the input. Yeah if I ask myself honestly it's probably a bit of both, I've always wanted the cameras as Im a techy and that kind of thing enthralls me but there is certainly a part of me that wants to know what's going on in the house while I'm away.

For anger, I think I'm shadowing your coattails as I've shown very little up until now. In fact just today we probably exchanged about 20 texts but they were mostly initiated by her except for a few where I was updating her of my travels as it would impact her and D.