Here's a post from one year ago today for you. I think it applies just as much today as it did then. I still dont believe you are ready to hear it, though.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
I suggest you read the "Newbie Rules" and laminate them and carry them in your pocket so you can
STOP PURSUING HER FOR NOW. Sorry to hit you with that but it's in bold b/c you are taking it in. We are all saying a lot of the same things but you are not "hearing" us. You need to hear us.
We don't have a secret weapon to fix all this. Looking back, I think that was sort of what I was searching for when I first came here.
However We do tend to know what does NOT work, and the things you can do that will make things worse. You are doing those negative behaviors too much.
2 Big No No's that hurt your chances of reconciling:
1) Pressuring the WAS to stay. This does not work AND worse, it often causes fighting and it always increases tension.
The more tension in the home, the more the WAS wants to flee;
2) Challenging the reasons for the WAS leaving; the more you challenge the choices the WAS is making, the more you force them to defend those choices, instead of genuinely examining them.
This tends to solidify their choices more, and rather than shaking their confidence, it often increases it. Of course it also creates tension, which doesn't help anyone.
Ghost, you need to get ^^this asap.
Originally Posted By: Ghost56
We have been sleeping in separate beds for the past 4 weeks she sleeps downstairs on a pull up bed she is finding it easier to detach from me because she is in a very different place than I am she had been feeling lonley for a long long time. IF she wants space, and she does, crowding her will only crowd her OUT.
It seems you have the belief that b/c she once wanted more time with you, NOW you should pretty much force that upon her. I disagree. At this stage, you need to show her that her needs are important b/c by ignoring her all those years and not spending time with her, you chose to do what you wanted to do.
If you insist on being with her now, when she has asked for space, you'll be doing more of the same in effect b/c it is what You want to do and Not what she has expressly stated as her wish...
and it'll push her farther away from you as well.
In short, it'll make things worse.
What makes it worse is that she is adamant that there is no going back
they all say that. Stop asking if she is sure and Stop telling her it's not what you want. She is only being adamant b/c she thinks you don't believe her.
She knows that you don't want this, so there's no use in repeating it again. Also, she's NOT going to admit to having any doubts (to you especially.). The more you ask her to reconsider, the LESS she is likely to do so.
Get your mojo back and be a little mysterious. Show her that you are a man with interests and friends and hobbies and work that mean something to you, that you are bringing something to the table, as they say.
If you don't feel that way, you may have to "fake it til you make it."
(For help with this^^, I urge you to watch 2 TED TALK videos on youtube about "Faking it til you Become it", by Amy Cuddy, and another one about positive thinking psychology by Shawn Achor. I think you'll get a lot out of them and they're short and entertaining.
We are cohabiting we cannot really afford to downscale Then you have the gift of TIME...time in which your changes will become more visible. That is a wonderful side effect of weight loss. Other changes are often More important...but few changes are as good for your health AND your appearance AND are so noticeable by a spouse.
No matter what she wants to believe about your "promised changes", if you lose a noticeable amount of weight, she will never be able to say you won't or can't change. The proof will be right in front of her.
At some level it has to make your other changes more believable. Kudos to you for getting in shape!
We are clearing the garage so we can move the home office to the garage and then she can make the home office a bed room How do people detach and move away from someone they love and someone that they have been with for 25 years and married for 17 years
Thanks Gary
The detaching did not happen as recently or as quickly as you think.
It happened over time, in some insidious ways that are hard to notice, along with ways you chose NOT to notice.
I've been there, so I'm not saying this with any judgement. I just do not know any women with children, who suddenly want out of a happy marriage without any warning or clues.
And in truth, you know this too. So Instead of asking "What happened??" And bemoaning the tragedy of it all, (which I did as well, for too long!!)
You need to BE HERE NOW, and get moving.
Learn from your mistakes, absolutely. But don't wallow in them. The chance you have of turning this thing around, lies in your ability to function well now, and behave in ways that help your cause.
