Maybell 39: I'm Too Old For This

[Maybell]

1) The three weeks without my New Guy are beginning now. I miss him already! Spent yesterday evening with him and some of his family members who were down here for a big event. He's helping get them home and then I leave for a work trip. I like how the family members greet me with hugs and want to meet my kids.

2) I *think* I'm in love and I find lots and lots of moments when I just want to let an ILY burst out of me... But I don't think he's there quite yet and it would break my heart if I let ILY rip and he just said thank you. Waiting makes me really question: is it actually love? What is love? Can I love someone when I know for sure that there is a lot to him that is a mystery to me? Am I ready to truly love? On the other hand, I feel like I've changed because of knowing him. And I like it. So why not take the leap and acknowledge what I *think* I feel? But I'm going to wait and watch.

3) This morning as I was leaving to go to work, I kissed him lightly and said "I'll see you next week, I guess." And I went downstairs to get my shoes on. When I came out from where they were, he was waiting for me. He said my goodbye was inadequate and then he just waited for me. That sounds controlling when I lay it out coldly like that but it was warmer than how it sounds. Anyway, it lit my heart up because Mr. Fantastic never even used to wake up when I was leaving to go somewhere, nor does he wake up when I take the kids (like to church on Easter, or for Mother's Day). So being asked for a properly affectionate leave taking was kind of a big deal for me.

4) We've been dating eight months. It's FLOWN by. I feel like I'm just now getting to know him. I worry about the crash and when it will happen and how. Who will be hurt, how badly... I was filling out the big kitchen calendar that the kids use tonight and I asked if I should include his birthday on the calendar and they said yes. I love how he is with the kids and how they like him, the interest they're taking in his younger family members (and vice versa) and I wish I could see the future and know if it will all be OK. I don't like dating but I do like dating him.

Kids seem to be relaxing with Mr. Fantastic's GF a bit. They were making fun of Mr. Fantastic because he has "NO FRIENDS." I feel like that side of things is settling down some. I have zero respect for him but except when he does something that slights my kids I don't care so much any more about his choices. The exception is when I'm having trouble coping with some of the change in my life that has occurred because of him, like trying to figure out how to balance my new career and the single-parent gig. I know a lot of people have it way tougher than me so I feel badly even sweating it, but the fact is that the balance in my life has changed dramatically and I don't always handle it very gracefully.

I daydream about what it could be like to be married to New Guy but I worry that all the excitement I feel now will die if we lived together, the way it did when I was married to Mr. Fantastic. I don't know how much of that same ol', same ol' was because of me and how much was because he checked out. My New Guy is curious and always willing to say yes to new experiences. Would that last if he married me, or would I end up killing it? Would life with kids drive him crazy or would it bring out what I think he's been itching to explore, the challenge of being responsible for a family? What would we be like when the kids move out and it's just the two of us? Would we have enough to talk about then, or would we be ok with just sitting quietly together on a porch swing holding hands?

Sometimes I wish I could see the future. It comforts me that he's not perfect -- being with someone who treats me as he does seems too good to be true, if he were perfect I couldn't enjoy it at all.