Episode 3 - The Divorce Awakens

[qt4x11]

That last one was very awkwardly written- rewrote parts of it

Random journaling:

Today I went to the clinic - the doctor gave me the last of the antibiotic iv treatments, then told me that I am done with antibiotics and pain meds, and I’m cleared for regular activity. I’m finally able to leave the house - I can walk and do a light job but I can’t run, and I can’t lift heavy weights over 20 pounds for 6-8 weeks. At least I’m free.

Since I’m not able to do any strenuous exercise, my plan of hardcore workouts and transforming my body are now on hold for the next 6-8 weeks. I guess that’s ok - I can just diet and go on long walks, maybe bike rides. I’m also going to be working at the office instead of working at home - starting tomorrow. It is about a half hour commute to my office, and I’m not required to go into the office - but I want to. It will do me good to be around other people, and socialize with my coworkers.

I can have the kids this weekend too, which will be nice. I haven’t spent more than an hour with them at a time since my emergency surgery happened 3 weeks ago. I plan to really spoil them this weekend and do fun things. I also accepted my friend J’s invitation to go to the UFC fights over the weekend, which should be fun, even though I know nothing about UFC. Texts with my W were cordial today, I didn’t say or do anything to press the situation.

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Over the past few days I have not slept very well, but I’ve had all night to read divorce articles online and ruminate over my situation - how I was doing so well in opening up communication with my wife, how last week I went a little stir crazy during my recovery at home and did things that probably set back my efforts to soften my wife’s heart to me - the melodramatic calls and text messages demanding ‘an explanation’ about why this divorce is happening so fast, or demanding to know ‘how she can abandon our 10 yr marriage with kids without trying marriage counseling to save our marriage’. A man should not have this much time on his hands to think about things that he regrets, it’s just unhealthy. Especially during a situation like divorce, you should be practicing extreme self care, and forgiving yourself for mistakes like these. I’m only human, it’s only human to want to save your marriage, especially if you feel that you have been doing a lot of work on yourself to fix the personality flaws that have contributed to the demise of your marriage - and you haven’t been given the opportunity to try to work on the problems of your marriage in a counseling setting.

I’ve read a *lot* about what to do when faced with an unwanted divorce, I’ve learned a lot, but I’m not sure of anything. I’m still very scared for the future. There is a part of me that believes, rationally, that this too shall pass, and I can have a happy and fulfilling future, full of love. I just can’t even envision what that future would look like. And I’m dreading the steps of letting go that I will have to take to get there. I don’t want to let go of my old life, especially when it still seems like all of our problems are fixable, if she would only open her heart.

I realize that I am very good at acting cheerful, casual, upbeat, non confrontational, etc. around my wife, which is a big part of allowing her to relax around me again emotionally. But I feel like the other things that I must do: detach myself, really detach myself from all outcomes, living in the present moment, really taking an inventory of myself and working on the things about myself that are no longer useful to me that have contributed to the downfall of my marriage. I feel like the past 3-4 weeks of health scare and being bedridden have prevented me from making a lot of progress in that regard. (I have managed almost 90 days of sobriety, and 90 days of 12 step meetings, and no lying anymore, those are my biggest personality flaws so I have to give myself credit for that).

If I’m honest with myself, I have to admit that one thing you have to do to successfully get your wife to change her mind about divorcing you - the one thing that every man since the beginning of time who has successfully convinced his wife to change her mind has done - is to THEY GIVE UP ALL HOPE in a successful outcome. To just continue, fighting the good fight, in the face of derision, incredulity, and incomprehension from friends and family.

So I think sometime in the middle of the night yesterday something shifted in me. I’m not completely there yet but I can tell my mind is shifting. I’m giving up all hope - but I will continue to - be there for my kids, be poised cheerful non confrontational and relaxed around my wife, keep working on myself and never give up trying to be a better man - not because it is a ploy to bring my wife back, but because it is the right thing to do.

With a heavy heart, I have to admit that my situation seems very bleak, and we are very far down the road to divorce. A divorce has already been filed, she is unwilling to talk to me right now about why she is unwilling to first try to save our marriage by going to counseling, I made some progress in getting her to open her heart and communicate at a deeper level - but then I ‘lost it’ and set myself back months by with impulsive behavior last week. I’m already living outside the house. Our friends and family already know that we are splitting, which is reinforcing of the situation in and of itself.

The only hope for saving our marriage is killing all hope. This tiny hope I have inside me, I have to snuff out right now, because it is not helping me on any level. It feels like I have to kill the last vestiges I have of love for my wife, so that I can move on with my life.