MLC vs Midlife Reboot

[ciluzen]

Lol, HaWho! I don't think I'm being hard on myself. I think I just realized the depth of his MLC. As we get closer to "D-Day", he seems to be getting more desperate to convince himself that this has been bad from the get go. I got it, finally, on Monday night. I've been gaslighted, fallen for the "nice guy act", and been a victim of my own wishful thinking.

I now realize that EVERYONE at work and many others knew (not everything) and realized that he was having an emotional affair (although no one believes its physical), he and Bubbles had been confronted (he doesn't get it, she doesn't care because she gets what she wants out of it), and people other than me have tried to tell him that his memories aren't just off, but wrong! So, its noticeable at work, too. For some reason in my head, I thought if someone else could see this and talk to him, it would help. But now I know. It didn't!

This will help me to drop the rope. Am I still standing? Well, yes. I'm not going to go searching for someone new right now. I just realize how deep this is. How much he has created this persona for me that is not me. Late to everything, MADE him eat food he didn't want because it was healthy, TOLD him he couldn't have things that he wanted, MADE him feel stupid by telling him he was an idiot...not me. That's what his mom did! And his dad (not the late part). It gives new meaning to him saying "I don't need you!" Is he only saying that to me? Or was that to the mom that went off on him for an hour 20 years ago for moving himself and grandkids 1500 miles away? The mom who he knows won't remember who he is by next year probably?

I just am saying that I had hope during the move and in our past interactions, and now...its going to be a longggggg road. I just need to focus more on school and life without him.

Its not easy to. He told me he cancelled mediation as we had agreed on, but my lawyer and the mediator knew nothing today. So I called. We finally had everyone confirm (mediator, my L, and finally his L). I tried to contact him before we got confirmation from his L and no response by text, call on his cell, or call on his office phone (straight to vm). I finally left a vm on his cell asking him to call and confirm something with me. So either NO ONE is answering phones at the office or I'm being avoided (I haven't called in months). I still haven't heard from him, but the problem is solved, so pffft!

But, yes. I'm ready to be done with these "attachments" with someone who has turned me into an unrecognizable monster. I'm ready to move forward. As I see it, I just have to meet over financials on Saturday and then have the Ls go over our agreements on Monday, and then I can stop seeing or talking to him. And I won't pine away. He isn't who he was. He's an alien pod-person. Who knows who he will be in a few years, but right now I don't believe he will be my husband.