It would be helpful if you stuck to one thread until you have 100 posts. Also, if you will answer our questions, that would help us know how to advise you.
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This is my direct question: What is a good course for me to follow? Should I tell her I know about the affair still and am not willing to tolerate the lies - she will deny, angry, lie all over again. Or do I keep GAL with this knowledge and hope for the best (I don't like this option much, but I feel like from the reading that this is what it indicates).
This seems to be the nail that has you hung up, so I will try to answer.....as long as you understand we have been given very little information.
If it bugs you so much that she doesn't know that you are aware of the affair......then tell her!! Just be aware that it will not solve one little thing! She is not going to end her affair just b/c you know about it. If an affair is a deal breaker, then tell her you will not be in an open M. But if you tell her, then you better be able to back it up. You basically remove yourself from her life, until she decides she wants to be honest with you and to work on the M (not some lame excuse of working on herself). Working on herself is a smoke screen for "continuing my affair".
You have to think.....if you are not willing to tolerate her lies and infidelity, then what can you do about it? The two of you are separated and living in two separate houses, right? Okay, then stop having conversations with her. Don't have back & forth texting, etc. Stop visiting with her and taking her out. Stop doing things together as "a family". That action shows her that you want no part of her life if she's going to be in an affair and/or lie to you.
You don't like the option of GAL and hoping for the best? Then don't. What else do you purpose? How can you move forward? Will it take divorce? Tell us what it is you want. I can tell you this much, whatever you decide....you had better include GAL, if you ever want to improve your life and move forward.
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I want to tell her I know, and I want to do so in a way that also tells her I am still open to the marriage, but it can't happen with him around...and this will be the second time I've had to say that.
You can't have it both ways. Do not tell her you want to still be open to M. Your words mean nothing to her. Only your actions will be noticed. And, let me tell you something about a WW......you cannot tell her things like you are still open to the M. It doesn't work that way. She has to think she is losing you. If she believes you will hang around while she continues her affair....she will not respect you and she will not desire you. You have to be unavailable to her while she's in an affair.
Have you finished reading your book?
Have you read the homework Cadet gave you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
