trumpet, wow, thank you for sharing that with me. I'm not sure what you were thinking, or what i was thinking, or the fact that we weren't thinking at all... but I knew my W had these problems. I talked about them with (this might sound weird) - her brother's wife... a lot. (footnote: her brother is my age, married one of my best friend's i grew up with's little sister, who is 2 years older than my W... so my W's SIL was actually a childhood friend of mine as well... SIL-IL would regularly give me and talk to me about warning signs, not just of my W, her H, or the family, but just in general.... they are now divorced as well, about a year ago... Oddly enough, We are going out for a drink and conversation together next week).
Maybe it was that if I could just make her happy in life, these problems of the past wouldn't re-surface, but it was rocky from the start with us (after the honeymoon period), and it was rocky all the way through, from the wedding day (she raged), on the honeymoon (she raged and threatened to fly back home for anullment), and through the marriage, it all keeps re-surfacing... even the worst of them, for her struggle to feel needed/wanted/desired, and her easiest way to medicate that problem is finding OM that will provide ot for her (happened before we married too - we broke up about 3 years into dating, and about 2-3 months later, rejoined each other.
I don't know why I thought I could change someone, or if I thought about it at all, but I now know it's not possible, unless they want to change themselves. My IC regularly tells me, "the best predictor of future behavior, is past behavior" and I'm accepting that even if my W does show up and want to reconcile, this problem will re-occur 2-3 years down the road, so I'm not interested at the moment. It's sad hearing myself write/type those words, but I've said it a number of times in the past 2 weeks or so... each time i say it, it's easier to hear, but still very saddening.
