Have to keep making the changes

[Sotto]

I think you may be in a state of 'analysis paralysis' - maybe google that and do some reading - see if you can move yourself forward my friend

[ATPeace]

Hi sotto / darkness

I try to move forwards but I do this without conviction I do not want to be divorced from my W so I will not file for divorce

the thought of moving to sepeerate houses just fills me with fear as I have never lived alone.

The thought of seeing my children half the time hurts more than I can bring to words

Being apart from my W in over twenty five years I can count the number of days apart on a single hand

So how to move forward I try to detach but I cannot loose the feelings of total loss and despair at the loss of ,my marriage yet she has moved on

Through our marriage I was controlling I did not realise it and this has caused damage to our marriage here is an example

I love being in the company of females not to flirt or to try and pull I just like being arround women so why did I feel so jealous if my W was to chat to males ...why ...my own insecurity that she would leave and find someone better.

I am over weight by about 4 or 5 stone about 60 to 70 lbs and although I feel I have a good sence of humour and I am loving and caring I lack confidence with regard to my body image.

So I have to accept that she will go out with her friends ...she goes clubbing with sone of her girl friends I know she will get plenty of attention she is very good looking yet she tells me she is not looking ...it will happen

Yesterday I had a problem with a car it was really really hot day and I was stranded broken down my W helped me for hours put me above everyone she did not need to do this yet she chose to everything that she is Doing is a choice.

Last night I sent her a msg at work it was late I was feeling loanly her being at work me being at home I was missing her (how do I stop missing her)? She read the msg but chose not to reply to it she does not want conversation about the past ...why do I keep trying to get conversation about the past why do I keep telling her I am sorry for letting her down and not being a better husband ....why do I keep writing to her hopeing for her to change her mind,

So I miss the intamacy affection hugs and feeling close to my W I do not want to go looking for someone else yet I miss female affection at what point will I want to go looking I do you not want to live a life of celibacy.

So yes I am stuck I will keep trying to do the work take it day by day and look for ways to start to build a new life

Thank you for sticking with me I make so little progress yet I want to be happy I want my children to be happy

Thank you

Ghost

[rd500]

Hi G. Firstly , what your posting is understandable BUT it's more of the same

You seem to get your W is making choices for her and now you need to understand that only you can make choices for you

All you can do is become the best you possible and if ( as a bonus ) that attracts W back then great but it's about you and doing it for you

Secondly , W helping you was nice but means nothing in the grand scheme of things Your still looking for signs G and your W knows you want to reconcile under any conditions

Right now your W has her cake and she's eating it whenever she likes If you've read the books and read ,cadets links then you know she will continue to do this for as long as she can. What's the downside for her , G is sitting patiently for some scraps from the table and W has the whole cake. She can do what she wants , whenever she wants and while that's her choice, G needs to get on with his life and choices too.

You can't keep living as you are G , it's not healthy and your not accepting your reality

Doing it this way has brought no change in your sitch and you haven't progressed

Step back and look at it from an outsiders point of view Get on with your life , stop talking to W about anything R or M related

IMHO nothing will change unless you do

Take care mate. Rd

[ATPeace]

Rd thank you

[Ginger1]

your last line:

" I want me to be happy and my children to be happy"

Are you happy now? You surely don't seem to be. I know you feel only one thing is going to make you happy, but you know what?

You can't have it. Right now, or maybe ever, you cannot have the only thing you believe will make you happy. And you aren't happy now.


So, I would find a way outside of your W to make yourself happy. Else you'll be miserable for the rest of your life.

Fear keeps you in paralyisis mode, but I don't think you realize what you fear the most has already happened. She's gone. She may be physically there, but otherwise she is gone.

Sorry to be so blunt. But your M is over. What can you do to build a life for yourself for you and your kids?

THAT should be your only focus right about now. Not an ounce on her.

I'm afraid you won't be able to move on being in the same home with her. But she isn't going to move out especially while you live you separate lives in your home together. But she has left the marriage, not the house.

I hope you find a way to find happiness outside of your wife. I hope you come to accept one day you cannot have what you want in regards to your wife. So you decide to find your own happiness.

[SH_]

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me danger is very real but fear is a choice.” Will Smith

G, please stop the insanity.
Are you seeing an IC?
Have you seen an MD about AD's?
Are you seeking out actionable things to implement for your mindset?

Look up the Ted Talk Why you don't get what you want; it's not what you expect by Jennie Vilhauer
Look up the Ted Talk When your mind works against you by Ted Powell
Look up the Ted Talk Emotional First waif by Guy Winch

For crying out loud G!! It is way past time that you do something different than you have been doing for so long and get yourself together.
No more victim mentality.
It is time to create a Victors Mentality.

Look up Brendon Burchards You Tube vid about analysis paralysis.
He points out one of the reasons you get trapped in that analysis paralysis mode is, Selfishness.

It is time to stop looking at yourself and start looking outward to whom you can serve.
Lets start with serving your children. How are they going to learn to be self confident if daddy is moping around about life. How are they going to get the things they need from a loving father if you are always down on yourself.
I am not telling you anything new here, you know there is only one thing in this universes that you can control and that is you!
Your attitude, your actions your thoughts.
No more sitting around saying, "I hope I can get to a good place" "I hope I can do it" "I hope someone will love me"
It is time to say "I will get to the good place" "I will do it", "I will love myself".

Get it together man!!!!

No more 2x4's for you my friend. You have become immune to them. This is a sledgehammer that is meant to knock you out so you can wake up with amnesia about all that you are letting stay in your mind and defeat you.

Get up and do something about your situation. DO something about you!

Peace be with you my friend. There are people counting on you. Don't let them down.

[ATPeace]

Ginger1

Thank you for your post I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that it is all over even me writing this is hard for me to write.

I try and move myself forwards however I still want to believe that if we live in the house together and things between us improve over time then she will believe and like my changes then her feelings towards me could change for the better I guess this is what I am hoping for.

You are right that I have to make myself happy and I am the only one that can do this yes I have been to see IC I have been to Relate marriage counselling on my own she would not go,

My emotional needs are far from being met where as she has many girl friends would would hug her when they meet and would be fully sympathetic but I have very few people I can talk to.

I miss the intamacy and this is something that I am craving so my choices live without emotional connection no hugs no kisses no holding each other or what ? I go looking for a date ? I do not want to do this I just do not feel ready so feel I have little choices other than to go without intamacy.

Some will say whatever will be will be ....go out have fun and see what happens if the opportunity arrises to connect with another female and this is what you want to happen then let it happen

Yours

Ghost

[ATPeace]

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me danger is very real but fear is a choice.” Will Smith

G, please stop the insanity.
Are you seeing an IC?
Have you seen an MD about AD's?
Are you seeking out actionable things to implement for your mindset?

Look up the Ted Talk Why you don't get what you want; it's not what you expect by Jennie Vilhauer
Look up the Ted Talk When your mind works against you by Ted Powell
Look up the Ted Talk Emotional First waif by Guy Winch

For crying out loud G!! It is way past time that you do something different than you have been doing for so long and get yourself together.
No more victim mentality.
It is time to create a Victors Mentality.

Look up Brendon Burchards You Tube vid about analysis paralysis.
He points out one of the reasons you get trapped in that analysis paralysis mode is, Selfishness.

It is time to stop looking at yourself and start looking outward to whom you can serve.
Lets start with serving your children. How are they going to learn to be self confident if daddy is moping around about life. How are they going to get the things they need from a loving father if you are always down on yourself.
I am not telling you anything new here, you know there is only one thing in this universes that you can control and that is you!
Your attitude, your actions your thoughts.
No more sitting around saying, "I hope I can get to a good place" "I hope I can do it" "I hope someone will love me"
It is time to say "I will get to the good place" "I will do it", "I will love myself".

Get it together man!!!!

No more 2x4's for you my friend. You have become immune to them. This is a sledgehammer that is meant to knock you out so you can wake up with amnesia about all that you are letting stay in your mind and defeat you.

Get up and do something about your situation. DO something about you!

Peace be with you my friend. There are people counting on you. Don't let them down.

Thank you so much and I really mean that I do have people depending on me and I am not going to let them down

Thank you for the links only watched the first one but very interesting

Here is an example of why I have hope ...last night my eldest daughter said she would baby sit so we could go out I said,to her that it would be nice to go out with mummy for a meal we used to do this before break up and have done a few time since it is something I missed and so w and I went out for a meal did not talk R at all kept it very friend like and I believe we both had a good time in each other's company so she gets to remember how nice it was to spend time with me without any pressures and tbh it was like going out with my old W

In fact to put it in to content if it had been a date with someone that I had just met I thought that we got along great and I would hope she would be up for another

I will watch the other links they are great does anone have suggestions for any other links

Thank you

Ghost

[Ginger1]

Oh Ghost, you staying in that house under the false hopes that it will get you back together is going to keep you stuck forever. I mean forever. Because if anything, she needs to be away, not in the in the same house.

I have not seen one marriage repaired by an in house separation. They cause mostly torture in most situations. And you appear to be tortured.

I have to say honestly the LAST thing that is going to save your marriage is staying in the house together.

I fully understand about missed intimacy. I have dated on and off for 8 years, mostly off, lol. I got out of my last relationship in March and miss it so much. But I am not going to find that intimacy with my last R. But think about it. You miss it, but you will definitely not get it if you live with the hopes you are going to get it from her. If you do not move yourself forward into an emotional place where you are ready to date, you aren't going to get that intimacy. This isn't me saying date right now. It's saying you aren't going to find it with your W.

I could go on for days here, but until you decide to accept this and move forward, no on can get you to do anything about it.

[MoveFrwd]

Here's a post from one year ago today for you. I think it applies just as much today as it did then. I still dont believe you are ready to hear it, though.

I suggest you read the "Newbie Rules" and laminate them and carry them in your pocket so you can

STOP PURSUING HER FOR NOW. Sorry to hit you with that but it's in bold b/c you are taking it in. We are all saying a lot of the same things but you are not "hearing" us. You need to hear us.

We don't have a secret weapon to fix all this. Looking back, I think that was sort of what I was searching for when I first came here.

However We do tend to know what does NOT work, and the things you can do that will make things worse. You are doing those negative behaviors too much.

2 Big No No's that hurt your chances of reconciling:

1) Pressuring the WAS to stay. This does not work AND worse, it often causes fighting and it always increases tension.

The more tension in the home, the more the WAS wants to flee;

2) Challenging the reasons for the WAS leaving; the more you challenge the choices the WAS is making, the more you force them to defend those choices, instead of genuinely examining them.

This tends to solidify their choices more, and rather than shaking their confidence, it often increases it. Of course it also creates tension, which doesn't help anyone.

Ghost, you need to get ^^this asap.

We have been sleeping in separate beds for the past 4 weeks she sleeps downstairs on a pull up bed she is finding it easier to detach from me because she is in a very different place than I am she had been feeling lonley for a long long time.

IF she wants space, and she does, crowding her will only crowd her OUT.

It seems you have the belief that b/c she once wanted more time with you, NOW you should pretty much force that upon her. I disagree. At this stage, you need to show her that her needs are important b/c by ignoring her all those years and not spending time with her, you chose to do what you wanted to do.

If you insist on being with her now, when she has asked for space, you'll be doing more of the same in effect b/c it is what You want to do and Not what she has expressly stated as her wish...

and it'll push her farther away from you as well.

In short, it'll make things worse.


What makes it worse is that she is adamant that there is no going back


they all say that. Stop asking if she is sure and Stop telling her it's not what you want. She is only being adamant b/c she thinks you don't believe her.

She knows that you don't want this, so there's no use in repeating it again. Also, she's NOT going to admit to having any doubts (to you especially.). The more you ask her to reconsider, the LESS she is likely to do so.

Get your mojo back and be a little mysterious. Show her that you are a man with interests and friends and hobbies and work that mean something to you, that you are bringing something to the table, as they say.

If you don't feel that way, you may have to "fake it til you make it."

(For help with this^^, I urge you to watch 2 TED TALK videos on youtube about "Faking it til you Become it", by Amy Cuddy, and another one about positive thinking psychology by Shawn Achor. I think you'll get a lot out of them and they're short and entertaining.

We are cohabiting we cannot really afford to downscale

Then you have the gift of TIME...time in which your changes will become more visible.
That is a wonderful side effect of weight loss. Other changes are often More important...but few changes are as good for your health AND your appearance AND are so noticeable by a spouse.

No matter what she wants to believe about your "promised changes", if you lose a noticeable amount of weight, she will never be able to say you won't or can't change. The proof will be right in front of her.

At some level it has to make your other changes more believable. Kudos to you for getting in shape!

We are clearing the garage so we can move the home office to the garage and then she can make the home office a bed room

How do people detach and move away from someone they love and someone that they have been with for 25 years and married for 17 years

Thanks
Gary

The detaching did not happen as recently or as quickly as you think.

It happened over time, in some insidious ways that are hard to notice, along with ways you chose NOT to notice.

I've been there, so I'm not saying this with any judgement. I just do not know any women with children, who suddenly want out of a happy marriage without any warning or clues.

And in truth, you know this too. So Instead of asking "What happened??" And bemoaning the tragedy of it all, (which I did as well, for too long!!)

You need to BE HERE NOW, and get moving.

Learn from your mistakes, absolutely. But don't wallow in them.

The chance you have of turning this thing around, lies in your ability to function well now, and behave in ways that help your cause.

Make sense?