Have to keep making the changes

[ATPeace]

Hi sotto / darkness

I try to move forwards but I do this without conviction I do not want to be divorced from my W so I will not file for divorce

the thought of moving to sepeerate houses just fills me with fear as I have never lived alone.

The thought of seeing my children half the time hurts more than I can bring to words

Being apart from my W in over twenty five years I can count the number of days apart on a single hand

So how to move forward I try to detach but I cannot loose the feelings of total loss and despair at the loss of ,my marriage yet she has moved on

Through our marriage I was controlling I did not realise it and this has caused damage to our marriage here is an example

I love being in the company of females not to flirt or to try and pull I just like being arround women so why did I feel so jealous if my W was to chat to males ...why ...my own insecurity that she would leave and find someone better.

I am over weight by about 4 or 5 stone about 60 to 70 lbs and although I feel I have a good sence of humour and I am loving and caring I lack confidence with regard to my body image.

So I have to accept that she will go out with her friends ...she goes clubbing with sone of her girl friends I know she will get plenty of attention she is very good looking yet she tells me she is not looking ...it will happen

Yesterday I had a problem with a car it was really really hot day and I was stranded broken down my W helped me for hours put me above everyone she did not need to do this yet she chose to everything that she is Doing is a choice.

Last night I sent her a msg at work it was late I was feeling loanly her being at work me being at home I was missing her (how do I stop missing her)? She read the msg but chose not to reply to it she does not want conversation about the past ...why do I keep trying to get conversation about the past why do I keep telling her I am sorry for letting her down and not being a better husband ....why do I keep writing to her hopeing for her to change her mind,

So I miss the intamacy affection hugs and feeling close to my W I do not want to go looking for someone else yet I miss female affection at what point will I want to go looking I do you not want to live a life of celibacy.

So yes I am stuck I will keep trying to do the work take it day by day and look for ways to start to build a new life

Thank you for sticking with me I make so little progress yet I want to be happy I want my children to be happy

Thank you

Ghost