WW, My Addiction, My D, my new life...

[trumpet]

Update time. Don't know how many more I will have here, but I do check up with many of you. Tough to keep up with all the new people. So many similarities to so many stories.

My story feels like a trilogy - growing up, college, and my single life/marriage, kids, and jobs/my EX-WW's medical, marriage issues, EA, PA's, and D/new single life, manager job, coparenting, new condo.

My pornography addiction runs through all 3 parts. So much of our world, our beloved U.S.A, believes porn, and the small sins, the white lies, don't have an effect on your life and relationships. That is a lie. It does. My addiction put a tint on the glasses/lenses I see through. The anger I held in was from it. I couldn't look people in the eye - yep, the guilt and shame. Not wanting to be a leader to my family, to be a manager - all because I was putting a big invisible 'guilty' neon sign above my head most days.

My shame is gone; the guilt does come and go. I KNOW my addiction had an effect on the marriage. A big effect. My EX-WW has always had huge body shaming issues. I have to continue to take the blame in the marriage. To acknowledge I was half of the equation.

I am clean and sober. Do I get tempted? Oh yes I do! I will for the rest of my life! I believe God gave me a gift of sexuality, and that it's my job to control that gift. Some years ago I wanted my sex drive to go away - and it never did. God wants me to struggle with it - He gave it to us for a reason. I have realized, after being clean for 263 days now, it's grip on me is over. Do I still long to be with someone? You bet! It just doesn't consume my life.

I have become comfortable thinking about the future without a spouse. I think the biggest transformation for me is to come, in body, mind, and my spirit, as I get back to exercising, reading, and devoting time to my kids when I have them. I have grown to understand what emotions are, when I feel them, and what to do about them. No quick reactions - feelings come and go, beliefs stay.

A month ago I was sure I would never take my EX-WW back. After doing some prayer and bible study, I realize if I'm a man of the Word, I need to keep that door cracked, but not stare at the door. Reconciliation must always be on the table, albeit when my EX-WW would do the work. Until now, there is NO hint of that happening, or ever happening. I move on, I press on, to the new life He's given me. I am free of the guilt that I carried for 20 years. That is a true gift!

I am lonely - that is tough to write, but it's what I feel at the moment. I used to fill the lonely with online games, porn, and TV. These days, I don't play online games, no more porn, and the TV stays off for the most part. I do read, walk, clean and fix up my condo, and work, apart from being with my kids. My focus of my remaining days isn't to hide in a corner and let life pass me by.

I was blessed to get out of the D with NO child support and no alimony. I realize I'm a rare one to have that blessing. I am grateful for that, for this board, for MWD, for Sandi, for Mowgli, for Georgia Bulldog, for Cadet, and so many others who put time into me.

My Christian counseling for the addiction will be ending next month. I'll be looking to continue some counseling, or going to Divorcecare, to continue my healing. I WANT to go on dates, and I think I could be a catch for someone, but if I'm still not completely healed, I'll be a curse for the next person. I know I still have tears to shed. To reflect on where I was, where I'm at, and where I'm going. To be a resource for my kids, as I see they are hurting and dealing with being kids of divorce.

I cannot control what my EX-WW did. What she said to me. The hurt that came out of her mouth towards me. How she feels about herself, and if she ever comes around, the guilt and shame she will feel. They are all her own issues. No way to fix. My response, though, is my responsibility. How I act, what I say, in response to her words, her texts, her posts on Facebook, I have to own. I will own.

The biggest challenge set before me is Forgiveness. I'm not ready to chip away at that mountain yet. I think the wound needs to close more. There will be a scar that is left. And it will be sad to look at for a while, but then it will just be a scar, and I'll have moved on. So, my challenge is before me, and my life goals are being reset as I type.

For those that have prayed for me, thank you. Continue to pray for me and others on this board. For healing, for understanding, for peace.

I'm not ready to unplug from this board yet, so keep posting. I will keep reading. I do love to hear the success stories. It is the stuff that gives us all hope...

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."
Romans 5:1-4 NIV