Detaching.....nearly there..

[qt4x11]

I had a similar situation - I just sent a quick note

'Please don't take this the wrong way - I just wanted to acknowledge your loss at this time, I wanted to pay my respects and offer my help if you need anything'

[Surfer]

Thank you all.

[Cherry]

Surfer, this was really great to read. The gas lighting point struck a cord to me. I pray that one day I get to where you are.

[betterm]

I had a similar situation - I just sent a quick note

'Please don't take this the wrong way - I just wanted to acknowledge your loss at this time, I wanted to pay my respects and offer my help if you need anything'

I thought I'd throw this out there... I used to start my one-way communications with some form of "disclaimer" like i highlighted above... I've stopped doing that as I felt it came off as controlling and/or manipulative.

On qt4's post, it's perfect alone, without the disclaimer in front, "I'm so sorry for your loss... If you need anything at all I'm here... etc"
Direct, caring, and meaningful.

I stay away these disclaimer type intro's to one-way communication. After enough of this no-nonsense approach, my W has actually come around and started telling me she doesn't think I'm lying about everything anymore. She believe the things I say, and it's because I don't provide these long, drawn-out excuses, reasons, and disclaimers about why I'm NOT lying anymore.

Thoughtful, Truthful, Direct, Consistent.
Enough of this, no disclaimer will be needed again.

[Surfer]

Well after feeling so good and detached, still do oddly, it seems the WW is again reeling me into being p155ed off with her lies/manipulation. Apparently when we haven't discussed plans for her time with the kids she can do what she likes with them and I fit around that. Equally when I haven't discussed what I plan to do with them she can do what she likes with them and I fit around that. Kind of win win for her eh? Ha ha.

Need advice. I want 50/50 access/custody and no contact with her. Was hoping to reach piecing but no longer interested (or right now).

We have a mediation session coming up. Is this the best forum for these discussions?

[srt]

all I can say is be as tough as possible to get an agreement that you would settle for if this becomes permanent

the reason being is negotiation is unlikely to become easier as time passes, and it also shows her exactly what a D looks like.

My W is currently pissed with me since I am "punishing" her and not "being friends" around sharing kids etc. I'm simply letting her know exactly what it will be like and she don't like it!!!

It also makes things much easier for you to detach and not become reactive to all the things she is doing or saying - you have a blast without her in your parenting time, and you GAL like crazy in her time!

Good luck

[Surfer]

Thanks srt. Divorce on the horizons clearly. Been dating? Not sure I am up for that yet but then again .....

[Sotto]

Hi Surfer, on the whole 'who does what with the kids' - I think that is a boundary issue and rather than letting yourself be reeled in and angry, you can let her know that when it's your time, you'll choose how that works. Really, that is a consequence of her decision - that when you S, you don't get to 100% control what happens in your family - you release part of that to the other parent.

In terms of your aspirations, the 50/50 sounds reasonable and I'm sure that is the place to raise that. However (and apologies) I'm not sure of the age of your kids. I don't think no contact is possible and I don't believe raising that will be productive. Rather than pursue that avenue, I think it is best to work on yourself to the point that her actions don't impact you emotionally so much. Going forwards, you can choose to minimise contact, but if you have younger kids together, I don't think NC as a specified agreement is really practical.

From what you post, it sounds as though you are somewhat giving away your power to her and you want to never see her again in order that this stops. I think it would be best instead to work on your own side of the fence in order that the coparenting relationship can work constructively going forwards.

JMHO of course Surfer and I hope this helps a little my friend

[Surfer]

Thanks Sotto. It might well be that I am just getting frustrated at a lack of control as such. My WW is tending to put others first though so she can get time with wayward friends rather than turn up on time for my time with D8 and S6 (she always has an excuse). I find this so frustrating given these friends were involved in the whole EA etc scenario.....just need to detach I think. We have to get on for the kids sake but when I know she is so manipulative that's hard.

Another question. When she picks up/drops off she often has something to say 'you need to, you should, you must' type things. Not nagging so much, more being 'bossy'. She is very keen on this. I detests it with a passion. I don't want to come across as rude in front of the kids - she always does this in front of them. What is the best way to handle this - I normally just look through her and validate in an 'I'm not listening and you know it way'. I don't think it really helps tbh - it's frustrates her. But I am not going to act like a doormat husband either.

Any thoughts? Anyone?.....

[Sotto]

Hi Surfer - I would imagine your ongoing dynamic - she says, you need, should, must, - you look like 'hey I'm not listening' could lead to more of the same. She may feel the need to emphasise more what you should, must do etc.

It sounds like a boundary issue to me - is: her speaking to you in that way isn't okay with you. Are you able to dig deep and deal with it assertively and pleasantly. For example: next time she says - you must do X or should do Y....could you say to her - Hey, I know you only want the best for the kids, but it gets on my nerves when you drop them off and say I should, must do things etc. If you want to ask me to take care of something ASK me, or drop me a note to request that. When I feel your tone gets bossy, I just switch off.

My Dad (whom I help a lot with looking after my Mum) sometimes has the tone of a headmaster, which really gets on my nerves. Recently he said to me - Sotto, I need you to do X for me (in that tone.) And I was really annoyed. I didn't manage to come straight back at him, but I did think about things and spoke to him about it later. I said, I'm always happy to do things to help, I just don't like being asked in that tone. He did do it again at some point - and I quipped straight back - I'm always happy to help if you ask nicely! And he caught himself and said - oh yes, sorry...

Hope this helps a little anyway