Chapter 3. Let the detachment begin

[SH_]

bigy, my friend, my DB brother.

I read your response early this morning and decided not to respond, as I had hopes others might chime in.
I read it again this evening and wanted to share my thoughts , but decided to let it lie.

But, alas, it keeps popping into my head and I just have to call you out on this one.
You know that I love ya like a brother since we met here in this community and I am always amazed at how you push on, and go after what you want and seek out advice and feedback like no other. Your faith and efforts seem un surpassed in so many ways that it has inspired me often.

Let me preface my perspective with I work in a business where much communication takes place with business partners and customers via email. I have seen more situations get blown out of proportion than ever needs to be. And more often than not it is blown out of proportion by the person receiving the email and their interpretation of the tone. Not the actual information in the message.
So, I have had to coach and train employees in the art of email etiquette, calm down customers and explain the information and point lost in translation and make calls to leaders in the business to clarfy what was being said in email communications.

So with that to clarify some of my street cred on this feedback let me give you some advice both as it relates to the email and some DBing as that I hope goes without saying I have a little experience with.

Hi Bigybiz,
I will be away a couple days next week. Work requires me to go to Windsor from Monday afternoon thru Wednesday night. I won't be able to spend 3 hours on Tuesday with S10 or pick him up.
Let me know if this is a problem.
Thank you

There is nothing in this email that is passive aggressive.
While a "please" or " I am sorry" might be a pleasant thing, they don't make nor break the tone nor message being conveyed.
It is a very business like email, to the point, and any negative tone that would come out of it, would be simply on the reader of the email.

Here is three things used in the trainings and coaching staff for my employees.

If you think there is a "Tone", then stop and jot down 3 types of tones you can think of. Let's say a happy tone, a sarcastic tone, and mono tone.
Read the email out loud with each tone.
Guess what, you just changed the same message into 3 different messages. And truth is, you are only mind reading or guessing what the sender was conveying.

Second thing. Read the email at different times of the day. You will tend to perceive the email differently each time more based on your mood. There is psychological studies done for this.

The last thing, is have several other people read the email and ask what they perceive. For you have several people that do not know your wife read it. You may be surprised what they tell you.

So my long winded point here, is I find it hard to see how this can be viewed as a demonstration of lack of respect in the email. I am not saying that she may have a passive aggressive attitude towards you, but " coaching" her on the email, appears a little aggressive on your part and as I would find it disrespectful if you did that to me.

Now her doing this last minute. That may be a form of showing you a lack of respect, or.....it maybe a legitimate issue that popped up for her at work.
What boundaries do you have established for things like that?

bigy, you are the energizer bunny of Db efforts, PMA, faith that things will workout and many other great things while going through a most difficult situation. But I just have to tell, you need to slow down a bit, take some time to truly absorb and meditate on the information you are obtaining for DBing, and interactions with your W.

Maybe to make my point here, sometimes watching you it is like watching you sit in front of a tutorial video for learning how to shoot a gun. You watch it for a few minutes and then you run outside, pick it up like you are an old pro and then......you shoot yourself in the foot.
That happened because you watched the video for a pump shotgun, but you picked up a pistol that was already locked and loaded and you squeezed the trigger, not realizing that pumping it to shoot was not needed. You applied a principle for the shotgun to a pistol. It does not work out well when you do so.

Okay, maybe that analogy got away from me, but my point is, slow down.
Detach. You are a very emotional person and I see this cloud your judgement frequently, and your understanding of some principles and feedback.

I am not trying to be harsh, but I am hoping you don't lose the war because you are so focused on the small insignificant battles.
IMHO, the way the situation for this should be handled is KISS.
Keep It Simple Stupid.

She sends you the email about the last minute change.
If a boundary has been set for this type of thing (last minute changes for kid stuff) then you stick to it.
If no expectations or boundaries are set, then you decide whether you can help out or not. Stick to discussing what options you can provide. Then after have a conversation about those boundaries. You do it respectfully and you validate her opinions on the matter. Then next time it is a no brainier what you will do.

Don't mix up kid stuff with W stuff whenever possible.
Please take some time to marinade on my feedback.
I am no expert and I only have what information you share and it is through my lenses of course, but please know I share this with your best interest in my heart.
You are still an inspiration that I look to as I continue on my own journey. I pray and hope that you achieve the goals you have for yourself and your family.

This is my 2c.........well maybe more like 92c.