I am in the final phases of a divorce and was the recipient of the divorce :-) ...after about 11 years and a young daughter.
Surprised? yes/no. We had issues
But for the theme of this post, I totally agree being good at disagreement but also the poorly over used term of communication and the style of communication. My STBX was a bully and has the "not my fault" syndrome. Not just with me but all her interactions. The world is at fault for all her problems.
So we were not good at disagreement. Because it would be me just burying my feelings, resenting her more.....detaching more...and dissapearing more becuz it was useless. Her on the other hand maybe just needed someone stronger so they could stand up to her bullying when there was a disagreement and maybe that would work for her. Not me....
Communication in terms of being able to be open and honest of what you need and what is missing and just "what" with the other person able to accept it and not be defensive is another thing you have to be good at together...which is hard.
I too cringe about all the new stories I read.they are sad...have similar themes...
I still think that marriage is a super tough road to go down and that its too easy to get married and divorced :-) Too many "channels" of media , both TV , social and the like have killed the instituation of marriage IMHO. Its not a fantasyland where passion is there every day, every year etc....you need to work at it and you may fall in and out of love at adifferent times. But you loved enough hopefully to make the vow and I am big at commitment. Also understand if you are miserable then it is no way to live life. But you need to discuss communicate, be open and vulnerable, and give it your all without giving up. And if all fails, amicably and lovingly walk away but cheating to me is inexcusable and for the weak minded. Its an excuse...
Thanks for your post rich. Yes marriage is way too easy for the walkaway spouse (although some states are better then others) and I agree that a successful marriage requires committment through the unhappy and passionless times. im not sure that I believe in amicably walking away because I doubt that it is ever amicable for both partners. And why get married in the first place if that's an option? I think there is always a way to work things out if there is no easily available exit plan. (with exceptions for cheating, abandoning, and harming children).
I am not familiar with your situation but I will try to catch up. Like you, my husband buried his feelings, built up resentment, detached and withdrew. I was not an irrational bully. At least I don't feel like I was. If husband ever attempted to communicate with me I would have really analyzed every word he said to come up with a fair solution. For some reason he just could not do so and to this day I do not understand it.
He frequently said our issues were "we don't communicate"
I have a hard time communicating with him now because I feel like he will distort my words and show his anger for them weeks from now. I just stopped talking to him all together. I have no desire anymore.
