I relate to what you are saying. I don't read much about the stories where people are still trying to DB because I can't bring myself back there. There is no way in hell I ever want to be a lighthouse for him or anyone (except my kids) ever again and my advice to someone these days would be quite the opposite from what I wanted to believe was possible 2 years ago. I know that it works for some people, but you have to have a partner that knows how to commit in the first place. Not someone who thrives on playing head games and compartmentalizing each piece of his or her life. I hate the message that we have to deny our emotions and suck it up.
I feel there is a big message around (not so much on the boards but everywhere) that if we have an emotional attachment to our ex then we are clingy and pathetic. Like a 15 year marriage is supposed to leave no residual side effects. It has been a year since I had to leave and I should be over it--even before the D is final. I should be accepting of OW and not have an opinion about the tacky things she does that makes my life uncomfortable. But I do have an opinion--and that doesn't mean I am controlling. And I spent 15 years sacrificing my needs and wants to make his life comfortable, I don't have to do that anymore. And choosing not to be complacent in all this does not make me "vindictive" or "hung up on him" as he wants everyone to believe.
There is still pain. And that pain does not mean that I want that crazy man back in my life. It doesn't mean that I am clingy or in denial or trying to control what he does. It means that I am human and believed we had something meaningful. I believed we had something that was worth sacrifice on my part. And I am angry about being deceived and grieving the loss of what I thought I had.
I believed he was all in. I believed he meant the vows that we took. It is easy to make the vows when you are in the heights of romance, but those vows aren't meant for the good times, they are meant for when things aren't going well. I know there are men out there who believe in those vows. Most of them are married. But some of them were just as blindsided as we were. I'm not quite sure how to tell the difference just yet, but I think at our age it must be easier because they have enough history behind them to help with the information gathering. When we were in our 20s all we could go on was promises--and without quite understanding what challenges were ahead it was easy to put all of our faith in those promises.
I don't know if I want that kind of commitment ever again. But I do believe it is out there.
I know my H did not live up to the ideals he had for what kind of H he wanted to be, and I didn't live up to my ideals on the kind of wife I wanted to be either. But I didn't expect us to be perfect. I just expected us to never give up. To always try. To continue to work together. And that is where I was let down. He wanted perfection. I wanted partnership. Neither of us could deliver. If I do decide to get married again, it would be with someone who shows up no matter what. Not someone who wants to be the hero, or the easy going good guy. someone who can disagree with me without walking out or throwing bombs of insults. Someone who can be happy to share an experience with me even if it isn't something he enjoys without pouting or expecting a parade of honor for his sacrifice. Someone who can make mistakes and own up to it when it happens. And someone who doesn't dismiss me when I do the same. And can honestly talk to me about things I might do that upsets him.
If that person doesn't exist that I am fine being single for the rest of my life.
^^^^^^
Yes, that. All of it, every single word!
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
