My DB coach said I should be her friend. I was emotionally detached and generally negative towards my W the last few years of my marriage so being a friend is like a 180.
I figure helping her sell her knick·knacks is what a friend would do. She is living very frugal right now. Her living like she is doing is enough evidence to me she had to leave me to get away. She was desperate. If selling a few of her things gets her some extra money, then so be it.
M 55 W 52 MR 32 T 34+ D29 BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email) No EA/PA August 23 - DB used against me in every way Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
If my friend said "I want to sell XYZ", my reply wouldn't be "I'll list that on Craigslist for you."
Just my opinion though
If your friend didn't have a computer or Internet access and they asked you to list something on Craigslist (which my W asked) you wouldn't do it? Why wouldn't you?
M 55 W 52 MR 32 T 34+ D29 BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email) No EA/PA August 23 - DB used against me in every way Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
If my friend said "I want to sell XYZ", my reply wouldn't be "I'll list that on Craigslist for you."
Just my opinion though
If your friend didn't have a computer or Internet access and they asked you to list something on Craigslist (which my W asked) you wouldn't do it? Why wouldn't you?
Hi RDS -
I'd say this: "It was a simple text about wanting to sell her clown dolls and masks and we would split the money. She said she didn’t have the room to store them and she didn’t want them anymore."
and this: "they asked you to list something on Craigslist"
arent exactly the same thing.
If my friend said "I need to sell some of this stuff", no, my first instinct would not be to jump in and offer to do it for them. Now, if they asked me explicitly to list it for them, then Id consider my schedule and see whether Id have any time.
As for this: "If your friend didn't have a computer or Internet access", I think you are reaching. If she really wanted to do it she could. I would guess every public library has free internet access now.
I get that your coach said to be her friend. Im not saying that you shouldnt be. This just feels like Nice Guy stuff to me.
I probably am going into the stage of being the nice guy now. I just hurt her so badly over the last few years by not being the nice guy that I might be going overboard being too nice, but I really haven't had the chance to be nice to her since she left.
M 55 W 52 MR 32 T 34+ D29 BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email) No EA/PA August 23 - DB used against me in every way Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
My W dropped off the stuff she wants me to sell and she also dropped off some picture albums and all my letters I had written to her over the years.
During my 23+ years in the military I deployed a few times and I spent a year in Korea without my W and D. I wrote a lot of letters when I was gone. This was before email and the Internet was just getting started mainstream.
She called me early this morning to let me know she dropped everything off and to let me know about the letters. She wanted to warn me about them in case our D rummaged through them because some of the letters were of the "risque" type.
During our brief talk she mentioned how nice the yard looked and how the ferns looked pretty hanging around the porch. Her selective memory kicked in then when she said she stopped buying the ferns because I always yelled at her for spending the money on stuff we didn't need. I never yelled at her for that because I liked the ferns and I never complained about spending money on the yard because it was money that did some good. I only complained about spending money when it was for dumb stuff (think As Seen on TV crap). I rolled my eyes and kept quiet. I guess in her eyes all I ever did is yell at her.
As I said she dropped off all the letters I wrote to her over the years. Most of them are 15+ years old. They were in a large box and I honestly didn't know she kept them. I briefly thumbed through them and I got a little mad and sad. I waited until I got to work and texted her that it looks as if she was trying to erase all of our history together. She replied she wasn't trying to erase history. She didn't want to throw them away because they are too painful for her. She said she tried to read them but all she does is cry, so she thought I would like them.
That did make me feel a little better. I was going to shred them or burn them, but now I will put them in storage and decide what to do with them another day, because I sure as hell don't want to read them anytime soon.
M 55 W 52 MR 32 T 34+ D29 BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email) No EA/PA August 23 - DB used against me in every way Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
I probably am going into the stage of being the nice guy now. I just hurt her so badly over the last few years by not being the nice guy that I might be going overboard being too nice, but I really haven't had the chance to be nice to her since she left.
Just be careful, there is a difference between being a Nice Guy and being Nice.
I'd say being empathetic to her concerns is "nice" - It stinks not having space to hold the things you want...It may be good to sell them to get some cash and free up some space...That should be an interesting process; Craigslist is always an adventure. These kinds of things show you are listening, are thinking, are paying attention.
Offering to actually DO the work for her is Nice Guy stuff. Subconsciously, you are expecting some kind of reward or payback or something for doing these kinds of things. Then, when that doesnt happen, you will likely become upset. It isnt your job to help solve her problems anymore. Your job is just as I said above, listen, validate, empathize, etc. That IS being nice and being a friend!
Just be careful, there is a difference between being a Nice Guy and being Nice.
I'd say being empathetic to her concerns is "nice" - It stinks not having space to hold the things you want...It may be good to sell them to get some cash and free up some space...That should be an interesting process; Craigslist is always an adventure. These kinds of things show you are listening, are thinking, are paying attention.
I wish I had the vision hindsight gives. I know I enjoy being the one who knows how to do stuff like this. I'm ashamed to admit it, but if she learned how to do stuff like that on her own (and she is more the able to do it) then I would feel it's one more thing she doesn't need from me.
Originally Posted By: darknes
Offering to actually DO the work for her is Nice Guy stuff. Subconsciously, you are expecting some kind of reward or payback or something for doing these kinds of things. Then, when that doesnt happen, you will likely become upset. It isnt your job to help solve her problems anymore. Your job is just as I said above, listen, validate, empathize, etc. That IS being nice and being a friend!
I know I say the only reward I'm looking for is just a "thanks" from her, but you're probably right as subconsciously I am looking for more.
M 55 W 52 MR 32 T 34+ D29 BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email) No EA/PA August 23 - DB used against me in every way Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
Darkness is right. And for the record, whenever I use the NG term, I really mean the NG Syndrome. Maybe you should read it. You can download it free on the Internet.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
