Just working the process, but wondering when......

[Accuray]

Yep. That is a tough thing. It's not just about the sex to me. Holding hands, cuddling, back rubs, little slap on the behind, hugs, and kissing are all things that just make me feel close and wanted. The problem is of the 5 LL's this would be number 5 for my wife. She just has never been a "touchy feely" person. She was when we first started dating of course for the first 6 months when things were "hot and heavy"
I can't even remember the last time I kissed my W. Not a peck, but actually passionately kissed her. Maybe once in the last 5 years. She finds kissing gross. She cringes when people try to hug her.

Reading this made me very sad. I was talking to another person I met on this board years ago last night. We're both single now, and were both commenting on the fact that when you get married the first time it's really so hard to evaluate what you're getting into.

We have both found through dating that relationships are SO much easier if you start out with someone with the same LL and roughly the same sex drive.

Those two differences create *so much* pain and frustration in a long term relationship on both sides. It is simply much easier to give what you like to receive because you fully understand it and why it's valuable.

Let's fast forward 2 years and pretend you're back in the master bedroom, you're having some kind of sex life again.

Your W will never be a "touchy feely" person. She may never like kissing. I don't know how well your sex drives are matched, but based on what you've described there seems to be at least some awkwardness there on your W's side.

These things are going to bother you on an ongoing basis.

Could your W work on these things for your benefit to make the relationship better? Yes

Will she be motivated to do so? Probably not, because to her, and from her perspective, nothing is really broken other than your failure to accept how she is.

This is what is so difficult about your situation from my perspective. You want to get back into the MBR, you want to resume a sex life, you want to save your marriage! You, my friend, are highly motivated.

Your W, on the other hand, seems to have one foot out. She's telling you directly that all the other things going on in her life take priority over you and your needs.

When she's telling you that directly, where is she going to find motivation to care about what you want and what you need?

The difference between her "WANTING to come back" versus "accepting a gradual return to the prior status quo" is monumental in its significance. In the latter case she's never really fully bought in. In the latter case she's not motivated to make any changes for your benefit, or to prioritize your needs. Her motivation will be to do the absolute minimum she believes she needs to do to preserve the relationship until she decides she no longer wants to be in it.

That is why I recommended moving out and giving each other some space. I still truly believe very strongly that will be the best long-term strategy for you to have a happy marriage with your wife. It will hurt like hell in the short term, and it will feel "wrong" in many ways, but I think it's the shortest path to what *you* really want.

Acc