At one point I felt similar to you regarding inflicting some pain. My view is this is normal. It's a shock that the life you were living is no more and the person who chose that was your best friend and partner in this journey. It gives you the fuel to eventually move on.
I'm approx 7 yrs give or take post BD. I'm in that place where the best revenge is a life well lived. It does take some time and internal fortitude to get there. You will get there too. Give yourself a break about how you feel right now. This will pass as I think it's part of the process.
I've followed your story from the beginning. You are doing great. Keep moving forward and getting out and doing your thing.
