Deadline for Decision 8/15

[RosaLinda]

Sorry Chippie, for not checking in on you for so long; I hope you're doing as well as can be expected. I know you're spinning hon; that's natural when it feels like your whole life is blowing up, especially because your spouse is going through a mid life crisis. They are so contrary. They change their minds constantly, lie constantly, can be totally irrational. When I complained that my now ex-husband was totally contrary and changed his mind constantly, sometimes two or three times in the period of less than one conversation, my DB coach Chuck compared the mind of a person experiencing a mid-life crisis to that of someone caught up in raging rapids in a tiny rubber raft. It was hard for him to think clearly and concentrate, because his thoughts were racing out of control.

Last fall he was on some cocktail of meds that made him my dreamboat but also he slept all the time. lol ....... would it be helpful if I asked him what meds he's on now? He might get suspicious... but I might be able to find out.

By dreamboat, I guess you mean you had a great sexual relationship fueled by the medication? On the one hand, I think a wife SHOULD know what medications her husband is on, but on the other hand, your husband does not consider you a married couple, and will probably get angry and accuse you of being nosy if you ask him. I just asked because, like I mentioned, the side effects of both testosterone and thyroid replacement hormone therapy include emotional instability and might account for his mood swings. If he is on either of these, he needs to have his blood levels checked by his doctor. But mid-life crisis also causes mood swings, so who knows what is causing your husband's!

How do I 180 these conversations about how he doesn't think it will work but he doesn't know... he doesn't feel safe... he's not happy... he hasn't made up his mind... etc.

It's like having an extremely controlling roommate. I don't want a roommate. I want a sex life and a plan to grow old with someone who is committed. I'm tweaking my behavior to get closer to 180 but I feel like I'm still at his beck and call. He certainly has me wrapped around his finger. If he wanted to suddenly be back with me I'd go for it.

Well, that's the thing. We LBSs don't want roommates, we want loving husbands and wives. Unfortunately, our spouses do not feel the same. When I first joined this forum, someone (Cadet or URWorthy maybe) used to say that our marriages were over at bomb drop, we just did not know it yet. It totally p!ssed me off at the time; I was NOT ready to hear and accept that. But learned that it is true. Our spouses do not want to be married to us any longer at that point. They may be ambivalent, and waver back and forth, keeping us on the hook and not really letting us go completely, but in reality, they are done. It used to be quoted that a mid-life crisis lasts 3 to 5 years on average, but I think the current belief is 3 to 7 years, up to 10 years, or even longer.

My ex has been depressed for the past 20 years, but really whacked out on me and started exhibiting MLC traits in 2007, and gave me the "I love you but am not in love with you" speech on December 26, 2009. And still is in a full blown crisis, poor man. So it's been what, 6 to 9 years? I truly believed that one day he would wake up and realize all of the damage he did to our family, and that I was his steadfast loving wife, that I was worth 100 of his Russian Tramps, and that he would really love me again. As his wife. Has not happened, and I don't want it to happen now, being perfectly happy as a single woman who has worked hard to recognize and try to fix all the crappy co-dependent stuff about me that contributed to the demise of my marriage.

That's all you can do, Chipster. To work on yourself at this point, and be true to yourself and protect yourself and your girls. You cannot change your husband, but you can pray that he wakes up and sees your changes are real (are they??), and loves you again. When he says all that stupid stuff, that he is not sure whether it will work out and does not feel safe and is not happy, all you can do is validate his feelings. To let him know that you recognize how he feels, but not necessarily to take responsibility for his feelings because his feelings are often irrational, but you don't want to tell him that!

I'm not sure if you would consider this a 180, but maybe it is since you say you come back at him so strongly sometimes, and do stuff like pouring water on his bed (!!). Maybe validating his feelings and then shutting up would be a 180!

If someone asked you if you received a package that they sent you, and you answered just, yes, I got it, that would not mean that you like the contents. You are letting your husband know that you "got it" but not that you like or take responsibility for "it."

Like I told you, I used "I'm sorry you feel like that" over and over, but since you don't want to say that, maybe just try saying something that reiterates and confirms his feelings. "You seem to be saying you feel angry... ambivalent.... confused.... hurt.... disrespected... sad... betrayed." And when he says something nasty to you, you could tell him "that made me feel confused... disrespected... hurt" etc.

I still like "I'm sorry you feel like that" best because it sums up MY feelings perfectly

Here's the takeaway - I DO HAVE A PART - I always knew I had a part but I'm seeing now that my part isn't the part I thought.

I didn't make him do the things he did or vice versa. But my part is being overly dependent on him and his opinion. Being a people pleaser. Focusing on myself is a very good thing for me to work on. Another part I can own is my self pity and the trash talking of him. I simultaneously want to prove to all of you how bad he is and also find out how to get him to ACTUALLY follow me around like a puppy. I have trash talked him to his mother, sister, aunt and many of my friends. Trash talking is harsh on me - I've told them my angle of his trashy behavior, complained a lot but never left which is exhausting for everyone. I've told you some things about him to try to paint a story - it looks worse here because I've told you all the worst stuff... mainly it's the daily irritability.. that is grating... But then again his own aunt said most people would have left a long time ago and she loves him like I do... actually at this point, more than I do.

I'm so glad that you are recognizing your part. Now forgive yourself and fix what you can. There are lots of reasons not to trash talk your husband, not the least of which is, if you reconcile your marriage, all of your friends and relatives will know all the bad stuff about him. Some DBers are of the opposite opinion. But I think trash talking is not good for your soul and heart. The best thing we can do is to forgive and move forward.

I like the direction you're going with your posts. It's time for you to take a journey without him. No need to make conclusions about where that journey is taking you, whether it will work with him or not, etc. It's ok to be in limbo. Just learn to live with the moment, with the good things in your life you do have, and being true to your best self. GAL. 180. Have some fun now and then. Journal and post. See your IC. Take a break from all of it now and then. Keep breathing. All good stuff.

Ugh I hate writing because I think it makes it clear that I should leave. But I'm not sure. I really am very confused.

I agree with Zues126. You're doing well. You probably cannot see it, but we can!

Only you can decide if and when you should end your marriage hon. It's hard because you want your old life and your old husband back. Give it time, like Zues says. Tell us what fun things you did for yourself and your kids this weekend. Any art projects? Was the offer you guys put on that house accepted? I sure hope not!