Out of in house S - On My Own (11)

[vise82]

Hey,

Had a rough time yesterday, did some shopping to get my kids socks after I dropped kids off at W. $200 later I bought new clothes for me, sunglasses, new cologne, and kids socks.

This did not end there I went to some thrift stores and bought more stuff. I came home and brought the stuff in and realized I was trying to fill the void of not having my boys there with stuff. Trying to fill a void with stuff. something my parrents did. They filled a house wih stuff. The void never will get filled that way.

I need to change my focus. I was buying this stuff to fill my house with new stuff and I dont need to. WHen I grew up my parrents house was full of stuff and I could see I was doing the same thing.

Going to make a pile of stuff to donate back to the thrift store.

But I do still have this void. Kids are with W on a camping trip. First one with out me. I was having boughts of broken heart pain and longing to have someone by my side. And even though I had the whole evening to do what ever I wanted it was something that I could not change that night.

So I have been thingking about disney world and I want to bring the kids. This is where I wanted to go for the honeymoon. W talked me out of it saying if we had kids we would go with them. But with her not by my side and with S7 getting past the age of wonder, Its time to go. I thinking this is a good idea for me. I mean I used to shy away from bringing them to a toy store, and now I have no problems bring them to disney world. I have grown alot.

I am also finding time is going by fast, faster then me being able to keep up with the stuff I want to get done. Looks like some plans are going to be shifted to next year just based on how fast things are able to get done now with the shared parrenting plan. Basically anything I want to do gets put on hold when I have the kids. There is no time or energy left when I have them.

Also as time goes on I see less chance W and I will get back together. I do get urges to push it but those have almost stopped as my logical side says its done, dont even bother. Besides at first glance she is not attractive to me anymore. I find though the more I look at her the more I find things that attracted me to her.