Uncharted Waters

[2Times2Many]

Thanks, Job. My expectations are near zero. He cancelled out on the trip to the nail salon and I was just fine with that. Not that I didn't want him to go ... it just didn't make a difference to me and didn't stop me from indulging a bit.

He came over later in the afternoon and then we went to dinner. We talked about the book we both read and he said it had helped him a lot. I remarked that he seemed to be a good place and he said he was trying to just be happy with who he is and that he is much calmer now. I said that I was happy for him and said he seemed to be a very angry man for a while. (Maybe I shouldn't have said that!) But he acknowledged, saying he still has his moments, but on the whole he doesn't "lose it" anymore.

We talked a bit about BIL and he said I could vent to him anytime about BIL. I said tried to not to do that because I didn't want to sound like a nag and felt like he was sick of hearing me on that subject. He said, no, that he learns a lot about what's going on here when I vent. Still, I am trying to keep a lid on that and will continue to do so.

He asked me if I had done any thinking about the future. I assumed he was alluding to my thoughts about how to settle things in a D. I just said I hadn't given a lot of thought to it and that I was just marching in place at the moment. He dropped the subject and the D word did not come out of his mouth or mine. There was really no talk about the future other than I'm testing out living without the income from the business. I explained that I would have to do that some day and needed to figure out if I could do that where I'm living now.

He did talk about some of the daily stuff he does over there and added again ... it fills the time.

We talked about my trip to NYC and I remarked that I had a great time but the night after I got home was kind of a downer because I wanted to talk about my adventure, but there was no one here to talk to. It was a round-about way of saying I missed having him here, I suppose. He immediately perked up and smiled and it wasn't my impression that it was a vindictive type smile, but one of hearing something he wanted to hear. I could be wrong. Only time will tell I guess. He finally said that if I wanted to talk about an adventure, just let him know and he'll make time to listen.

Conversation was a little awkward at times ... long silences ... but I tried to fill the void with small talk and chit chat. I have come to recognize when he has something on his mind and is reluctant to bring it up and saw it again. He seemed uncomfortable and acted as though he had something he wanted to say but was holding back. I didn't push. If that's the case, he'll open up when he's ready ... good or bad.

The most awkward moment came when the subject of what it's like for him to stay at his parent's house came up. He ticked off what he didn't like there that was available here and he looked at me as though he was waiting for me to tell him it's okay to stay here. Very awkward moment. I'm sitting there thinking, "Ask. All you have to do is ask! The door is wide open. Just walk through it." But he didn't. I could see the thought going through his mind, but the words didn't come out.

It's kind of funny ... I feel like he opened a door for me to ask him back and I opened a door for him to ask to come back and neither of us walked through a door. It seems to me that both of us want the same thing and neither of us is brave enough to take the first step. It's like we're at a stalemate with him wanting to stay here but afraid I'll say no and me wanting him to ask to stay here (because he wants to be here with me and not because I offer a more comfortable "hotel" or better tv). I want him to ask to stay here, but for the right reasons. This one really has me stumped. So frustrating!

I suppose he's still unsure of me and where I stand on things. I definitely felt like he was putting out feelers. Very difficult to let him know I'm open to R while still letting him know I'll be okay if that doesn't happen. How do I show I want him back without seeming anxious or pushing?

This is so hard and I just keep telling myself to be patient and give him space and time. This stinks!

Overall, a pleasant afternoon and evening, but not without frustrations.