Admittedly I have not been good about keeping up on following my peeps here lately, as this summer has been nuts. I woke up early this morning and thought, "I need to see how SH is doing," and then I read this. Not only did you reference my posts, but I have been having those same thoughts lately! What a nice connection :-)
As you know, one of the reasons that I came to DB land after this time, is that I can see in hindsight what worked and more so what did NOT work! I keep reading threads where the LBS is trying to win back their spouse, only doing things to see results, and constantly looking behind their shoulder. It's as if they want an automatic response, when in fact, that impatience exudes weakness. It's how I feel when my iPhone jams up and I have to restart it--oh, come on! I don't have 30 seconds to waste before reading that email!!!
Let's not forget that we are all human. We are complex, evolved, intelligent, AND have 20, 30, 60, etc, years of emotional history. As do our spouses. It took us a long time to get to where we are (whether we knew it was happening or not) and it could take much longer to get to where we want to be. I think the reason this board is so awesome, is because we can keep reminding each other of that. When we are in pain or spinning, it is most difficult to make rational decisions. I believe the fog of the LBS is much thicker than the waywards' fogs.
So I completely agree with you my friend. DB is about finding yourself, loving yourself, healing, detachment, 180s, and GAL for YOU. I admire you, SH, because you get it. It's frustrating and hard to accept that we cannot influence (or control) our spouses. We want to shake some sense into them! We cannot. That is why the most uccessful DBers IMO understand that they are giving us a gift. The gift is TIME. And I feel entitled to say that because I didn't use my time wisely. It's much harder to "DB" and heal while piecing.
You get it, SH, and for that you are successful. I was only successful in that my H came back, but that was his choice. Now I have been making my choices for this last 15 months, while still wiping the dew off my lenses. So when I look at H and think "Really, dude? Really? You actually DID that!?!", I have to try and understand if it is coming from my emotional place or if this M may not in fact be what I want.
Not sure how much sense that made. Time for another cup of coffee.
(((SH))) thank you for getting it straight and thank you for being here. You deserve wonderful things.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
