It's been a long while. I've had some hard times with W recently, but also had a good talk with her yesterday. She has always texted other men "as friends" and now recently was getting way too close and "friendly" with one of our mutual male friends. Other close friends have come forward to say they have noticed this in the recent past. I stood up for myself and told her that this is not acceptable. I told her I don't want her texting any male friends, no matter what the intentions are. She knows I have never liked it, but I never really told her not to. I also told her she needs to not be so close and friendly with other males, and that it comes off as flirty. I said if we are married we shouldn't be thinking about seeing anyone else. If it comes to a divorce, then obviously we would be free to date. Now that she is a little exposed and others are seeing her differently, she seems to see a problem as well. She knows she needs help, and I am encouraging her to do so, but made it clear that it shouldn't be talking to another man or her friends about her problems, but actual IC or self help. She agrees. We have some R talk initiated by her. She is still "done" and wants to separate. The more she talked the more I could see her trying to test me. I could see it in her eyes..."I don't think I could ever come back to you"..."I think maybe we should just get a divorce because it seems hopeless"..."I can picture you with someone else, even though that hurts to even think of you with someone else"..."you will always be my first love"(crying). I'll admit I shed a few tears on that last one, but I feel that I validated well, and told her I know it is a sad situation. It's so hard to hold back and not blurt out something hopeful when she says anything slightly positive (love). I held up pretty well and let her talk. Any mention of being separate or divorced I just said that's a decision she has to make. I'm not sure the best way to respond to that without seeming like I'm waiting around for her. I am talking about separating like its going to happen, planning to separate finances soon. Getting myself prepared and GALing as best I can. I have some simple daily goals of exercise and spending time with the kids. Also meditation, although I havent been sticking to that well enough. I have many hobbies that I can enjoy, but always got guilted into minimizing from W. Now it's different though, I have given myself permission to be me again and I'm going for it.
