I'm doing OK Zephyr.... Getting nervous about going home tomorrow.
GF spent last night with me again.... Things are going very very well with her. We talk about just about everything. Last night we discussed codependence and how it may be impacting our R, what we have to make sure we avoid, etc. Kind of a touchy subject as you can imagine, I don't want her to feel like I am needy, and only like her because she fills needs for me, when she is truly an incredible person.
Even with the night going well, I notice some stuff inside of me.... Is it my ego sabotaging like V warned about?
The triggers:
First, GF said she is concerned about xW's feelings, and if me being with GF will hurt xW. Two parts to this, GF is a sweetheart for being concerned about xW, even know she knows what xW did to me. And the fact that xW is probably bitter because she is hurting badly. It's ridiculous, xW did this, but I will venture to guess that deep down xW knows it is wrong but can't stop making up excuses for her actions, and trying to hurt me because she thinks it will make her feel better.
Second trigger, telling my mom how xW is getting worse yet, more vindictive, and my mom said it is probably because xW is being forced out of the house. My mom didn't say it, but I also wonder if xW caught wind of GF, and it is bothering her that I am enjoying life without her.
The third trigger, on the way to drop my kids off with xMIL, the kids talked about noticing xW and xMIL's bitterness. This is NOT what it best for the kids, and hurts me to know they are picking up on it and feeling it.
Fourth trigger, being afraid of moving back into my house, and the feelings it may stir up. I will have the kids with me, and I am worried I will lose it in front of them, and cry when I see my stripped down house, or the anger that might come up when I see the mess she left behind, the grass not cut, etc.
This combination was enough to bring tears to my eyes, while laying in bed with GF. It was not right to mix these feelings with my feelings for GF. I think it caused me to go into "relationship comparing" mode after that, which is totally not fair for GF. I managed to stuff it down, and continued to have a wonderful night, knowing full well the feelings would be back. So now I am processing them at work instead.
GF and I had already agreed that we would not see each other at all this weekend, both because I have my kids and because of the emotions the house may cause. I am glad we agreed on that, I think it will be an issue. In fact our next meeting isn't planned at all, the plan is that I will see how the weekend goes and how I feel to figure out when we see each other next. I don't want her to be any part of this battle or for me to have to mix those feelings again, as tempting as it may be to have her there and comforting me. This is turning out to be more confusing than I imagined, it started off so well with seeing just how great GF is, how I connect with her like no one before. Hopefully this passes quickly, I don't like it.
