Newby here, desperate for some advice

[JRuss]

Thanks Andrew and EDF. I appreciate the feedback.

I'm going to not say anything, but I am going to consider calmly breaking off any conversation where she's pulling the "I'm Not Looking At You While We Talk" routine.

EDF -- Re fear of the unknown, good lord, it's HUGE. I have this near constant fear of what it will be like when/if we divorce. I'm a lawyer so I actually have a pretty good handle on what happens mechanically in the legal system and with respect to our assets; most of the anxiety surrounds the kids and the impact on them, but, if I'm truthful, I'm also very afraid of the solitude and loneliness and the reality that I'll never be with my wife again, at least not the way it was before things went downhill. It was almost half my life ago that we got together. To say that I'm out of practice w/r/t the opposite gender is a huge understatement. And how to ever trust anyone again? Geez, I'm probably putting the cart before the horse there.

Several people have told me that 50% time (my wife has said a couple of times that that's what she wants, and not more) where it's all pretty much awesome might be better than 100% time where I'm miserable. I guess that might be so. I certainly hope so. But then I think about how much I just love watching and experiencing the little stuff, how much I love being there if they need me but not in their face as they grow and develop, how the kids just live moment by moment, and so much of that will be lost. It's just math -- half means only half. And that's IF my wife doesn't change her mind at any point and fight me on that.

I also really worry that either or both of my children will deal poorly with the divorce and not thrive. They are both doing so well right now. I guess if it happens, I can at least tell myself I worked really hard for it not to happen; my wife, she can tell herself she couldn't even bring herself to try MC.

We are all going to the beach tomorrow for a week on a trip that was booked and paid for months ago, so I likely won't be posting much, if at all for awhile. I'm just going to try and go with the flow and try to relax some. It feels like a million years since I really relaxed. Anyway, I really do appreciate everyone here who goes out of their way to support people in our shoes.