Newby here, desperate for some advice

[JRuss]

I feel sort of bad whining. It's not all bad. GAL is going great.

I just got word that my application to audit classes at my local college was approved, and I'm going to sign up for something I wished I took when I was back in college but didn't. Old School, baby. I may streak the Quad.

I'm going to be volunteering this fall with Habitat for Humanity and a hospital.

I've lost 26 pounds and work out pretty religiously. Pushups are my new passion. I do them in sets of 30 and usually can find time to do at least 150/day. I weigh less than the day I got married and am considerably stronger. Well, at least physically. Emotionally, well, still a basket case inside.

I meditate every day. I looked at this app I have on my phone that is a timer and has lots of guided meditations on it, and it says I've meditated every day for the last 436 days. I was pretty stunned, but also proud.

I am pretty constantly thinking of fun or worthwhile things to do with the kids. I just booked us a cabin a few hours away, and we're going to go whitewater rafting. W actually said she'd like to come, but then had to quickly make it clear that she'd stay back at the cabin while we are rafting.

I'm keeping a file on my desk at work. I gave it a name: "Fun/Ideas/Dreams". I have subfolders in it for things like "Audit Classes", "Hikes", "Trips", "Things I Want To Do With The Kids", "Meditation", "Bucket List", etc. and, when I run into something that looks good that I'd like to do or try, I put it in there. Each subfolder has a checklist in it. I'm a lawyer, so it just blends in to the unaware visitor, but I know it's there, and that keeps me motivated.

So I think that's all going well. It's the detaching (or lack thereof) that keeps me from realizing the true GAL benefits, though-- I still routinely spend too much energy wondering if any of it is being noticed, and I know that's a recipe for continued suffering.