Newby here, desperate for some advice

[JRuss]

Thanks Cadet. i hadn't considered the distinction.

[sandi2]

Anyway, the nanny quit by e-mail with no notice, and my W pretty much decompensated completely. Crying and, while not exactly ranting, talking a mile a minute (not like her, at all -- she's usually very guarded) about how unsatisfying her life is, how little joy or fun there is in it, how she feels like she's been reduced to a robotic existence just serving others, etc. She tried calling her mother to see if she could fill in today, and her mother (who couldn't help because she prior plans) apparently told her something to the effect of "I told you about my plans ____ days ago" (we actually don't commit her schedule to memory, LOL), and "Life is hard, you just have to roll with it". W then really got upset, got into it with her mother some and hung up. She came up to me and said "You've always been so amazed that I don't want to share my feelings; well, that's why-- because when I do, I end up feeling even worse". That was an issue she's cited in the past for why/how she started losing her feelings for me (I wasn't a good listener), although I know I've made huge strides in that department over the last two years by meditating, going to IC and reading a [expletive] load of self-help books.

In reading that paragraph, you easily see how she is focused on one thing........herself! Then she acts like a spoiled brat with her mother. She starts turning on you, and finally, throws in a threat. All of it is a typical pattern of a WW.

It doesn't give me much hope that anything at all that I do is going to matter even if I somehow were to end up being the greatest DB practitioner of all times

Bingo! B/c her problem is herself. You can't fix her.

Does anyone think it a good idea for me to send a quick e-mail to her to let her know I heard her and to validate her feelings (well, other than the ones that suggest a zeal for a divorce)?

Seriously????

Who is in charge of finding new nannies? I think that is all that matters to her right now.

[JRuss]

Sandi -- I don't disagree with any of what you said. I don't seem to have any chance at all of keeping this family together or rebuilding a marriage if it really is just going to hinge on what's going on with her.

On the validation email point (I didn't send BTW), I have to admit it is hard reconciling all of the various rules in your "rules" post. I have this notion of validation pinging around in my head from reading your stickied email, her meltdown came and went with me not doing much other than listening and trying to brainstorm short term childcare solutions, and I wondered aloud here if I should Send a short note. Your multiple question marked "Seriously" line makes it seem like that was a really dumb idea, though, like it never should have occurred to me. Can you shed any light on this? I've read a lot of other posters in other threads trying to make sense of this. Thanks!

[MoveFrwd]

No. Don't send an email.

Learn from this interaction and do better next time.

You don't need to SOLVE her problems. That's not your job. Listen and validate. That's it

[sandi2]

On the validation email point (I didn't send BTW), I have to admit it is hard reconciling all of the various rules in your "rules" post. I have this notion of validation pinging around in my head from reading your stickied email, her meltdown came and went with me not doing much other than listening and trying to brainstorm short term childcare solutions, and I wondered aloud here if I should Send a short note

Upon reading your post today, it makes better sense. Apparently, I had read or assumed something incorrectly. I apologize if I caused confusion.

I don't have a thread on validation. Wonka has a validation cheat sheet, and there is a stickie by it. I have a thread with the 37 "rules". So, I'm not really sure how to respond.

[JRuss]

Sandi -- sorry, yes, I confused your 37 rules thread with Wonka's on validation. Trying to cram all of the information I can into my head on an expedited basis has its pitfalls. I read your rules all the time and had just been reading Wonka's and got them confused.

It seems to me that validation is best if it is an in-the-moment thing. If the moment passes, and you try to come in afterwards with after-the-fact validation, it seems like it would have to come across as forced, like you went and read your self-help book and were just trying to score points.

I had a good weekend with the kids doing Solo Dad while W was out of town. I thought about W and our R too much in the quiet moments but was for the most part able to be fully present for the kids while they were awake. W was in much better spirits when she got home. I thought she'd be getting home later and was in the process of putting sunscreen on myself and the kids to take them to the pool, so she got a good look at the results of all of the working out I've been doing. I caught her taking what seemed like a surprised peek but played it cool. Things were calm and relaxed the rest of the evening. No setbacks, at least.

[LiM]

Sandi2,

I could use your input on my most recent post in my thread.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...181#Post2690181

JRuss, sorry to jump in and highjack.

[JRuss]

No worries, LiM. I hope your sitch resolves itself in a way that makes you happy/at peace.

In my own sitch, things have settled down quite a bit. No more talk of W moving out, no R talk at all for ~ two weeks, really. I'm just trying to use this forum, talks with my Dad, Sister and best friend, as well as IC to be the outlets for what's going on inside me, with the hope that this can keep me from bringing up the R with W. I'm GALing (going to a meditation group after work, exercising) and trying to be positive and (outwardly) happy when at home. That last part is hard -- I'll see her for the first time in awhile, and my knees still go week. A couple of times over the past couple of days, she's voluntarily given me a squeeze she didn't have to give me, so maybe that's promising. She kissed me on the cheek last night before turning the light off to go to sleep. What do you do DB-wise in those circumstances? They were each done before I realized they were happening, so I couldn't have pulled away even if I wanted to. This stuff is hard and plays into my over-active, analyze everything nature something awful.

I'm also knowing that this calm may very well not last, and she could at any time decide it's time to start talking about how we're going to "consciously decouple" to borrow Gwenyth Paltrow's phrase. When we last discussed, that was what she said she wanted -- to take the next 1-2 years, go slow, but ultimate split in a way that minimizes the hurt/damage to the children. I of course don't want this, at all; but, at the time, she was talking about moving out pretty much immediately, so I viewed that as a modest improvement.

Any advice should she bring that up as to what I should say/how I should play it? It is hard wondering when/if that shoe is going to drop. In the meantime I'm going to do what I'm doing and continue to look for more GAL opportunities. I'm trying to start volunteering for Habitat for Humanity but can't get the coordinator to call me back. LOL.

[JRuss]

I'm really struggling with detachment. I don't feel like I'm making any progress in that area. My heart still just feels ripped out and thrown in the trash. Does anyone have any advice at all as to how to do this, when you're still living in the same house, still sleeping next to each other, and you're both trying to keep the kids from figuring it out yet? It seems impossible that this will ever be anything other than the worst thing ever.

[lfm]

JRuss - I'm in the same boat, still live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, share meals, etc. Our kids don't seem to have any indication that anything is wrong, and I find it very difficult to dettach. I still think about my W a lot (probably more than I should under the current circumstances).

I've recently what works for me is to treat her as a friend or roommate. I am trying very hard not to bring up the relationship or future of anything. I really try to stay to my side of the bed, no touching of any kind. As others have said try to be the lighthouse needed in the relationship. Show her you are happy and strong. Anything other than that will push her away. I don't kiss her hello or goodbye I don't try to hold her hand, I sit away from her as much as possible.

I have to admit there are times where it's extremely difficult - a trigger goes off in my mind or she leaves suddenly, bringing back emotions that I've tried to deal with. When that happens I just wish her well, tell her to have fun and don't say anything when she gets home unless she starts the conversation.

I don't know if that helps much, seems like our circumstances are simmilar, but doing those things have helped me dettach a bit. I still have plenty of work to do, but feel like I'm getting stronger with each passing day.