This week I have seen the husband approx one hour total. Every night when I've gotten out of work he's been out. Today he didn't even leave a note telling me what he's up to. I have no idea where he is. On my way home my heart started beating fast. Anticipating the discomfort of us being in the house together. And relief when I saw that his car wasn't in the driveway. It shouldn't be like this. I am lonely. I had a dream the other night that I was in a relationship with someone, not the husband. We kissed in the dream. That is all. But I haven't even had that level of intimacy with someone in a very long time. I miss it. And I don't necessarily miss it with the husband. It's been quite a while since I really felt that pull towards him. I have tickets to see Jim Gaffigan with him next week. But I don't really want to go. Not with him. It's so sad. I feel like a failure, like I screwed something up. But in reality I know I contributed alot over the years. Yet it never seems enough for him, he always would come back and tell me I was being unsupportive. As if being the only income in the home, doing the housework, etc isn't support enough, while he sat at home all day "Working" (read: talking it up on facebook, going to bars to "network", and producing very little art). I am resentful because of this. Like I said, I feel like a bad person.
