Triple J's definition of friendship doesn't sound selfish to me -- it sounds very, very reasonable. It is a feeling, a big picture, not a scorecard... a knowledge of what friends add to your life or whether they are draining your energy away. I think he summed that up beautifully.
You've worked damn hard here, Seattle. You've grown as a person. You've learned a whole lot and showed tremendous strength and vulnerability. It's really amazing.
I've been through the contact thing recently too as you know. And I've experienced a lot of what you describe-- the actions, the feelings. Sometimes parts of this path are just hard, especially finally learning to trust in ourselves. Frankly, I've learned a lot from the way you've handled yourself, and I know others have too.
You're entitled to vent a bit if you need to... to put some focus on what's essential for you... and to find and walk whatever path will bring you the most peace going forward. Because clearly forward is where you've been headed for some time now.
Wishing you all the good things you deserve and sunny days ahead.
