WAW, bouts of anger still spewing, awaiting the D.

[SH_]

Journaling and updates.

I have been keeping myself busy and by the time I get a few minutes, I am too tired to write much down. Amazing how a few short months ago I struggled with sleep and now it comes easy and like clock work.

I have added back the weight that I had lost from my "depression diet" as well as a few extra lb's, but the good news is I think it is mostly muscle weight as my waist measurements have not increased. I have really been getting after the daily workouts with weight training and early morning jogging. Although I do need to watch my eating habits as I know my addiction to sugar has me snacking a bit more on the sweets than I know is good for me.

Last week was an awesome week. I took the week off from work and planned out a number of things with friends and d17.
As I mentioned in previous posts we went swimming, 4th of July fireworks, an escape room, paint balling, I saw a couple of movies, and the most fun was the indoor skydiving.

As Phoebe mentions it is a great alternative to jumping out of an airplane. We did it as my d17 had requested this as her graduation gift and I loved the idea. It was so much fun. The sensation of actually flying was very cool. I do look forward to jumping out of a perfectly good airplane in a few months once the heat tapers off around here. Also d17 made me promise to wait until she turns 18 so she could go with me. So we are planning on doing that together.
I gotta tell ya. It is so worth trying out if you can do it. Very fun. I think I will try and take d5 next time. As we finished up a group of about 8 children came in and I swear they were all under the age of 8 and one looked younger than d5. They loved it as we watched a couple of them do it with the instructors.

Paintball was a lot of fun. D17 was so nervous until after a few games. I tease her, because she was more tense and nervous with the paintball than she was for the indoor skydiving. But she started pricing out paintball equipment when we got home, so needless to say, she loved that and wants to do it more often.
She is breaking out of her comfort zone and becoming a thrill seeker. She told me today that she wants to take scuba diving courses for her birthday in a few weeks. Goodness, gracious she is going crazy. In a very good way though.

I am missing d5 a lot as it has been a week and a half since seeing her. She calls every other day and chats for a few minutes, but as 5 year olds go, she has a short attention span and wants to run off to whatever adventure is close by. But she is doing well and that is the focus I have and know that I will see her in a few days and we will have some quality time this weekend.

I have been playing phone tag with my L for a couple of days. I still have not heard anything about the progress around the D that was filed in late April. Not sure why she is not pushing this as I know she wants the child support that I will have to pay.

Me, I just want to have it all in place so I can move on and recreate my future and dreams with the new hand that has been dealt to me.
I have a lot of work to do and I know that I have slacked off on some of my efforts for healing and find complacency in some days. But it is ever on my mind and taking small steps is key for me now. One step at a time. Learn form any mistakes I make and look forward with hope and trust in what will be and in what I am capable of accomplishing.

While I have not been posting as frequently I have been reading many threads and I feel some sadness and desperation for many LBS in this community because they are ignoring the common thread that has us in this community of MWD and her knowledge and information for DBing as well as not heeding the advice of so many successful DB'ers.

Many success stories in this community. All those that are struggling, should seek out the threads with the successful stories. And when I say success, I mean that folks are living a good life now, even if it is not with the WAS that BD'd the LBS.

The LBS's that are struggling are not doing what it takes to heal and then strengthen themselves. They know what they need to do, yet, it is almost if they are addicted to the pain and suffering. Mind you, I know that it can feel that we do not have any control as those sensations and feelings are vivd in my mind from a few short months ago, but taking steps, small steps creates the strength to walk the difficult path. But if one does not take those steps and argues and justifies why what they feel they know is the better route, then the struggle will go on.

MWD sent an email just last week talking about the pain and what the LBS needs to do to get through it. I hope that they can read it and learn from it.
Feeling Traumatized?

Then there are so many other things that need to be done.
Seek out counseling for yourself.
Seek out a doc if you need referrals to a psychiatrist or AD's to balance you out.
Learn about emotional first aid.
Read as much literature as possible for the things that you are going through.
GAL
Focus on yourself and your actions.
Meditate and or pray.
Start with a beginners mindset.

But stop doing what you feel. This never leads down a good path for reconciliation or your own emotional health.
Start doing what is right. We all know deep down what that is, we just tend to let our feeling rule the day.

Too many threads of LBS being provided consistent advice and pointers, yet they are so focused on the WAS and hoping to get things back to the way they were (in spite of the fact that the things the way they were clearly were not in a good place) that they keep on suffering.

Read BluWaves recent post that she wrote for so many LBS that are not paying attention. Then pay attention.

So I am going to come off my soap box now.

I know what we are experiencing sux, but ruminating on it will not fix it and life is to short to continue to suffer, be bitter or be a victim.

Two recent ted talks have really influenced me and I recommend that you all check them out.
One is called
How to Stop Suffering by Morty Lefkoe
and the other is
The secrets to becoming Mentally strong by Amy Morin.

Trust me, you need to check these out if you are still reeling from the BD or if you have been struggling for a long time and can't seem to move on.

I don't want to sound harsh or callous, but I do hope that many of you can find some peace. We are here on this community because we found MWD and her information. But her knowledge will not do us any good if we don't start to apply the principles.



May everyone find some peace this evening and I hope that you can find the strength to push on.