Chapter 3. Let the detachment begin

[bigybiz]

SH:

Thanks for the check in. It's been a weird week. I'm home alone - first time ever. Very odd.

We went to MC for session # 2. I tried to be very cool and objective. I made sure not to mention reconciling at all. In the last session - despite W considering it a few days earlier, she closed the door on the idea very quickly.

The session was very distant and almost clinical - but I think that may have been better than evoking all kinds of emotions. Considering W "quit" MC once before, I should be very thankful that we are meeting. She did not like it in our 1st round of MC when the Dr. told her that much of this is her fault.

The hard part is we have different agenda's. W see's this as working on a way of "closing the book" and I see this as a way of building communication and reconciliation.

We focused on the fact that she feels scared of me. The Dr. laid it out that nothing can happen positively if one of us is scared of the other. We focused on the understanding of her feelings. He says we have to do that first, before we can fix anything.

She was willing to go back - not willing to commit to an ongoing appt. I will say this is an answer to prayer as I've been asking God for opportunities to share and connect.

Again, the Dr. was quick to "identify" her contribution to the problems too. Let's hope something sinks in -for both of us.

If I understand the WW/WAW syndrome she won't feel remorseful about her selfishness because some Dr. points out her bad behaviour.

It makes me feel better hearing it and I think it lets me move on a little.

Thanks to everyone on the competition thing. When I read my post again, it certainly seems more extreme than it actually was.

I do take the competing thing very seriously - I do wrestle with it a little. I'll do a separate post on it later.

[Melo]

Hey Biz, sending strength your way. I'm praying for you man.

[bigybiz]

Melo my man. Good to hear from you. I appreciate your good wishes. I'll catch up with you on your thread.

[SH_]

Hi bigy.

What is it that she feels scared of with you?

[sandi2]

We focused on the fact that she feels scared of me. The Dr. laid it out that nothing can happen positively if one of us is scared of the other. We focused on the understanding of her feelings. He says we have to do that first, before we can fix anything.

Scared in what way? Does she have legit reasons to be scared? There have been other stories where the W would "claim" she was scared of the H........but it was just smoke screens.

[bigybiz]

Sandi2 & SH Does she have a real reason to be scared of me, in some cases yes.

I've never yelled or sworn at her, I've certainly never hit her and/or our children. I used to run up and down the stairs and come in the house with "bluster". But, there have never been any slamming doors or me taking off in anger and no alcohol or any other issues.

Have I been angry at her - yes and visa versa. Her mother was a alcoholic who was full of anger, etc. W had to grow up being the peace keeper. She is now saying that I should have known this and been more aware and sensitive in dealing with her. Yes, I could have.

In the last year, she has kept secrets and ambushed me with things then is "surprised" that I get upset, when I find out - at the last minute, etc, So the pattern repeats, even to this day.

I've been very irresponsible financially. She has lived with the phone ringing from debt collectors, a massive tax bill and once the mtg was recalled and we had to scramble to find a new mtg company. Is she scared I could continue to ruin her financially. Yes, but steps have been taken to prevent that in the future. I'm OK with it, it's up to her if she want's to accept it.

The big one, last fall she had an EA. I witnessed it take place, her behavior, travel, interrupting family and other activies to get to her phone, at the time fueled my speculation. I asked her and asked her if she was having a PA (I did not know about EA and the time). She denied it, I could see the lie in her face. I started to snoop on her phone. I asked her direct questions -she still denied it. I pulled a massive deception to expose her EA. I contacted him when it was out in the open and told him to not talk to my wife. He agreed and dropped her like a stone. When it comes up - sometimes she agrees that she was responsible for her behavior and she did romanticize him and she admits that she may have deceived me. Sometimes she says it was just a friendship and it's normal to have flirty messages with male friends.

So yes, she could have legit reasons to be scared. Is it "trumped up" and something that gives her strength - yes.

[sandi2]

I used to run up and down the stairs and come in the house with "bluster".

What do you mean run up and down the stairs? Like compulsive behavior, or when you were upset about something?

So yes, she could have legit reasons to be scared

Well, I don't see it. I know that doesn't change her opinion. I just think she's been advised, by someone, to say she's afraid.

[bigybiz]

Sandi2:

No not when I was upset - I would take the stairs three at a time and/or run in and out of the door. Never stopped to smell the roses, I guess.

She used to make the odd comment that one day the house will collapse, etc.

Note: Since I read DB in Nov 2015 - I now take the stairs one at a time.

Thanks Sandi2 for validating me!! I know I've made lots of mistakes. But yes, I'm sure some of her new friends have told her that kind of stuff.

I'll have to hear what comes out at MC. My guess it will mainly be about my snooping and deception/manipulation to find out about her EA - which she is currently saying it was just a friendship.

[bigybiz]

Sandi2:

Wait - I forgot to ask the most important question. How do I address her fear of me? What are the DB steps to handle? Any suggestions would be welcome.

[SH_]

Sandi2 & SH Does she have a real reason to be scared of me, in some cases yes.

I've never yelled or sworn at her, I've certainly never hit her and/or our children. I used to run up and down the stairs and come in the house with "bluster". But, there have never been any slamming doors or me taking off in anger and no alcohol or any other issues.

Have I been angry at her - yes and visa versa. Her mother was a alcoholic who was full of anger, etc. W had to grow up being the peace keeper. She is now saying that I should have known this and been more aware and sensitive in dealing with her. Yes, I could have.

In the last year, she has kept secrets and ambushed me with things then is "surprised" that I get upset, when I find out - at the last minute, etc, So the pattern repeats, even to this day.

I've been very irresponsible financially. She has lived with the phone ringing from debt collectors, a massive tax bill and once the mtg was recalled and we had to scramble to find a new mtg company. Is she scared I could continue to ruin her financially. Yes, but steps have been taken to prevent that in the future. I'm OK with it, it's up to her if she want's to accept it.

The big one, last fall she had an EA. I witnessed it take place, her behavior, travel, interrupting family and other activies to get to her phone, at the time fueled my speculation. I asked her and asked her if she was having a PA (I did not know about EA and the time). She denied it, I could see the lie in her face. I started to snoop on her phone. I asked her direct questions -she still denied it. I pulled a massive deception to expose her EA. I contacted him when it was out in the open and told him to not talk to my wife. He agreed and dropped her like a stone. When it comes up - sometimes she agrees that she was responsible for her behavior and she did romanticize him and she admits that she may have deceived me. Sometimes she says it was just a friendship and it's normal to have flirty messages with male friends.

So yes, she could have legit reasons to be scared. Is it "trumped up" and something that gives her strength - yes.

bigy,

Is this a list you created on your own, or did she provide you with this list?
I ask, because if this is a list you came up with, then you know if it is valid or just you trying to put reason to her statements of being fearful.

If she gave you the list then you can also determine if it is valid or just projection from her by seeking input from others that witnessed your behaviors.

I personally don't see anything in your list that would be a big enough reason to use "fear" as a reason to leave. Skipping steps is something many folks do. Finance issue, c'mon now, unless you are out gambling away your money, making mistakes is not something to fear. My WAW was angry because I was to tight with money, yours upset because you made some mistakes. Where are they in working with us on finances. My WAW buried her head in the sand, yours is blaming you for some discomfort due to a mtg issue?

Fear is a fickle term tossed out by so many for many reasons, but one of my favorite explanations of fear comes form a bad Will Smith movie.

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me danger is very real but fear is a choice.” Will Smith

You did not indicate anything that is dangerous in what you shared.

In her mind she has created a "real fear" and for whatever reason, it will have power over her. That can not be discounted, but you are not the responsible party to fix this for her.

That being said,

Wait - I forgot to ask the most important question. How do I address her fear of me? What are the DB steps to handle? Any suggestions would be welcome.

You can not address her fear of you. She must do so herself.

The DB steps to handling the list you have, by looking at yourself, taking an honest evaluation and correct or change any behaviors that you would find to be creating a fear in someone. IMHO, you do this by getting input from others. Just because she may"fear" the way you run up and down stairs, another my not see anything in this and not even pay attention to it. I mean, does your not stopping to smell the roses in the stairs really cause fear in her? Did the house ever collapse because you skipped some stairs?


Fear is not real. We create it ourselves. I was always fearful of my STBXW driving. She was involved in one minor fender bender in a parking lot in the 20 years we were together. Was my fear based on anything real?

Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real.

Think about it.

My point yet again, is stay focused on you (detach). If you need to fix or modify a behavior then do so. Do not do it simply based on her POV. My DB coach advised me early on to make decisions and evaluations with out the WAW filter on. You would do well to heed that advice here.
Let her focus on her and you continue forward focused on you.

PS I know I am not sandi, but I felt the need to offer my 2c here. You are a good dude. Keep up the good work and you will prevail.