Not sure what to do

[CT1118]

I think it is too late when they put you in a box and pile dirt on you.
Until then you have a chance.

Thank you. As I'm sure you are aware, I struggle with feeling hopeless sometimes.

[doodler]

CT1118,

You might want to check out LiM's thread. There are lots of good nuggets of information and wisdom there.

LiM's latest thread.

[CT1118]

thank you Lim has a great story, but there was similarity for me. Another question, I have just order the DB book today. In Lim's story it seemed like once he found out his W was continuing the affair he got divorce papers. Should I do the same as I just found out the same thing...is that DB'ing? I'm thinking maybe just get/read the book and find out what's inside. I'm so confused and feel like I may have already blown it.

Thanks everyone.

[doodler]

I'm so confused and feel like I may have already blown it.

CT118,

Chill dude! WWs know how to keep you off balance and constantly questioning yourself. If you do something, she'll be mad. If you don't do something, she'll be mad. What's the one constant? Answer: She'll be mad.

Regarding serving her divorce papers, it depends on who you ask. For someone that's in an active affair, I think you've got to be tough. But that's just my opinion.

[Coconut]

CT1118, as doodler said, you'll probably get different opinions on serving D papers. But most will say don't file for D unless you want a D. That should not be used as a tactic, because if you don't follow through you will be the ultimate plan B.

I will say this, LIM was not willing to be married to someone actively having an A, the D papers were served with the intention of getting a D, he wasn't using it as a tactic. I don't think LIM even expected her to stop the A when he served, it just happened to work out that way.

[MoveFrwd]

If you dont want a divorce, why would you serve her divorce papers?

[CT1118]

Yeah,,ok. Thank you all. I guess I misunderstood his post. I'm sure you all understand my complete confusion at this time. Why I'm here.

[AndrewP]

My own thinking on this is that when your WW is engaged in an A and you want it to end you can either wait it out (which is what I did) or try to shake her out of it.

If you just want to be done with WW and her drama then filing might shake her out of it or it might give her exactly the freedom she believes she's been wanting and paint you as the "bad guy" for dumping her - at least in her eyes. It depends on how deep she is in the fog I presume.

In my case there was nothing I was willing to try to shake my WW out of her A and from what I've read here there is very little that "you" can do that will have any effect. sandi2 has some excellent posts on the mind of a WW that you should read if you haven't already. One key take-away point is that many WW have to have some sort of "loss" to start them to wake up. Some have contracted STDs, some have been talked down by trusted relatives reminding them of what they are walking away from, in my case as far as I can tell it was OM dumping my W when she pushed him for commitment.

Even when they leave the A many of them then have a long walk back out of the fog although there are regular stories here of tearful repentant WW trying to immediately jump right back in to the MR.

Reading back on your first few posts - you might want to ask yourself a couple of hard questions. Are you still married to her? Is she still married to you? From what I read she may feel that she's not and wants you to be "free" as well but is willing to date you along with others.

[CT1118]

Andrew P thank you so much. Let me think on this.

[CT1118]

Andrew and everyone I believe. I have had so much to read today to try and come to an improved understanding. I am thinking this may be one of the hardest things I will ever go through and my life has not been too easy (see above about quitting drugs). I believe You hit a hard point Andrew in that she is willing to date me as well as others. That is what I see, and she said as much. While we have not had any sexual contact I know know that would be a horrible yield of myself to her if I did (via Sandi2's via Sandi2's stuff). I did try going on a date via the advice of other websites and I did not like it-felt like I was lying to myself about my life right now. Still, it did feel a tiny bit gratifying to ask a woman out and her agree, human experience I suppose.
I have learned from you all in the past few days that I am not too late, which was my biggest fear. However, that I have been approaching things not entirely wrong, but mostly. As well, and again from Sandi2s stuff, that this is not about the AP as much as it is about my WW and my focus was poor in this regard. I am also kicked in the crotch by how true all this has been about keeping me around for the security and the AP for the emotional experience. I had already known I was emotionally unavailable (I was on drugs and hid it from her, so no brainier there), but the security part never occurred to me. Lastly, I just employed a Wonka validating statement technique via text (she contacted first) and it went well.
Long day ladies and gentlemen, but thanks. Seriously, finding this site has been the first time in months since Calling her out that I have not felt like I'm lost but trying to tell myself I'm not.