Jruss, thanks for the encouragement and sharing your struggles. I've been going this journey alone for near five years now wondering about the poss A. Confronted him directly several times and got lies and reassurances that made me more crazy since my guts were right! It's only when he turned to booze to cope with his double life that things blew up. We separated after his suicide attempt and psych admission since he wouldn't stop drinking. So all along the way I was, yes desperate, and trying to be the good wife and keep us together. I'm thankful I found all of you and this forum and hope it's not too late for me. I hate who I've become over all this, it's not who I was prior. He loved me for my no drama independence and love for him as he was. He was and is a damaged survivor of incest with emotionally stunted parents and was over three fifty pounds. I saw the real guy. Now all I see is hurt, my hurt and want things back to normal. I Know that's not possible, at best it could be a new normal. I am mourning my losses and making my share of mistakes along the way. I want to cry but can't. I see my C tomorrow and alanon tomorrow too. Anyway, I appreciate you stopping by Jruss.
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
He was and is a damaged survivor of incest with emotionally stunted parents and was over three fifty pounds. I saw the real guy.
Buxom,
My wife is a survivor of early childhood sexual abuse by a caretaker. The more I learn, the more I believe that, even after extensive therapy, childhood sexual abuse is a ticking time bomb. My wife has lot of wonderful qualities and, like you, I saw the real woman, but unfortunately the abuse taints everything. I feel for you.
Sara, you r not harsh and I know everyone here is being helpful in trying to help me on the right path. I wouldn't hurt anyone intentionally so when someone is hurt by me I feel terrible and want to repair. Old and useless habit that I'm trying to break. You are right about mind reading. Spouses do that when we know one another so well but I know that right now, I don't know him at all!
Yes, we are queens and diamonds!! I have been doing so well and ill get back on top of this today. I have a busy day today and tomorrow i'll be all day in the city from 7 am - 9 pm for appointments and supper with my bff. I will read thru all of this advise, guidance and support over and over to help it all sink in. I do reek of desperation and feel it all around me and it's horrible! I need to stop it and heal me and be with my kids. Thanks again to everyone, please keep the info a d ideas for me coming!!!
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
Doodler, thank you for sharing. I agree it has more to do with it than I first thought. He started to deal with it but stopped six months after rehab. His brother is perp and very much controlling in our lives. I have refused to have anything to do with him as I'm protective of WH. WH has pulled way back. Just last night WH was complaining about him in general. I just validated. So hard to just sit back and let them deal.
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
Well, he got up earlier than usual, got ready and left an hour early for work. No contact, no bye, just made it thru his morning routine in record time and Ran out! He must be more hurt than I thot.
Buxom - a lot of others have commented on this and mind-reading which I see you've taken to heart. I still have challenges stopping doing this myself and it is "very" hard to have to realize that this person who you felt you known has become a weird alien living inside their skin.
My own contribution to this though is that while I'm the LBH like you, I've done this same thing. For me - it was avoidance. I just couldn't stand to be around W and for a long time did everything I could (and she did too) to not be in a position to have to interact. In my case as the LBH it was fear of being rejected. In her case (mind-reading warning) it was disgust and loathing.
A benefit of this is that it gives each other space to find themselves and heal. A negative thing was that since I would get to work so early I ended up leaving early and then had to figure out how to avoid W at that end of the day
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Andrew, thanks for the support. Mind reading is so sneaky, I get a thot and think it might be true and I pursue it. And if my gut feeling seems to confirm it then bam, I've got a working theory tying me in emotional knots. I also know him better than most people in my life and can read his face, sometimes. But why do I think it's true? Does my mind need something to work on? I remind myself daily for patience, no expectations or assumptions, read 180 and do GAL. Today is tough cos I'm just low and hate having last night hang around like a bad smell.
I did nothing wrong!! I was calm, even and honest in my response to him. He left and I feel terrible? I see now it doesn't take much to have a good day flip to not good.
Cadet, thanks for your understanding. Means a lot. I just realised how tired I am and that's not good for interactions. I will be going to bed early tonight as self protection and self care!
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
I just realised how tired I am and that's not good for interactions. I will be going to bed early tonight as self protection and self care!
You ever see that commercial for a holiday inn express?
IE - I am not a doctor but I did sleep in a holday inn express last night. Their is a lot of wisdom in getting a good nights sleep.
I also like to reccommend that if you can not sleep look up a health food product made by Bach. It is called Rescue Sleep. They also make one for stress called Rescue Remedy.
Thanks Cadet, I will look for that tomorrow. Surprisingly I do sleep ok I just wake earlier than I'd like. I do bedtime meditations and use sleep music with the proper brain waves for sleep. Whatever helps.
I am calmer now and spent lots of time with friends today. Tomorrow is a busy day to the city with more friends and my C. Good night fellow DBers. Tomorrow is another day in the lighthouse.
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
Two days since the laundry question and he seems quite normal. I hesitant to use that word but it does feel normal in many ways. I spent yesterday in the city for alanon and IC and supper with a friend. GAL is alive and doing well at the mo. The two o hour car rides each way is good thinking time and having an audio book on MLC playing.
So I totally get the GAL thing now and self care so as a result there is less anxiety. Yay!
Good thing because it feels like WH is angling to return to mbr. He keeps taking naps in my bed and complaining his back hurts. I've decided, when he asks, to ask him (calmly and serenely) "What has changed since you decided to move out of the mbr?" I'll hear him out, validate and end with, "I didn't ask you to leave, it was your choice and I understand that. I would welcome you back into mbr when we have a monogamous relationship." Not sure how he will react. Thoughts?
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
