NYGal: A New Chapter and Hopeful!

[NYGal]

Hi everyone, thanks for your encouragement. Tx, you've always provided good advice, and I fully intend to take your latest to heart. You're right. It's important to start living the dream. W and I talk about it... but life is already/still so busy that we do put some of it off. But we'll get there.

PacLove, I think first of all I was just plain lucky. W always regretted her choice to leave me, and said it never felt right. She had to take way too much time to find her way back, though! The thing that benefited me most from the forum was the encouragement I got from people. Encouragement that told me not to give up, but to move forward (not on -- there's a difference) with my life. People reminded me to be the kind of person she'd be a fool to leave. So I took the time I had alone to read, ponder, grow, make new friends (I joined a divorce group that probably saved my life), exercise, and get Botox (LOL). I had many awful, awful, awful days and especially nights. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I kept sticky notes on my headboard that said: "We are NOT done", "we will be together", and "I will get to go home." It helped me stay positive.

I didn't follow forum advice very well in doing NC. I would sometimes initiate phone calls or texts. But luckily W often did that. I would respond sooner than the forum advice might suggest. And most importantly, I think, I was kind and loving. Advice on here often sounded harsh to me -- trying to convince me that W was just having the time of her life and I should be cold and distant or at least unavailable. In my situation, I knew she was lost and unhappy, so I wanted to be the lighthouse (check out that story -- it's on here somewhere)and show her the way back home. MWD talks about kindness in her book and I think sometimes it's lost on the forum.

Different things work for different people. You know your situation best, so trust your instincts. But pay attention to what people here say, because sometimes DB means going against our instincts. Read and re-read the book; there's plenty of wisdom in there. And get a DB coach if you can afford one. And another thing? Don't listen to the negative people. It might be your family or your best friend who says -- move on, you deserve happiness, your WAS is a jerk. What they don't realize is that sometimes fighting for your M or your relationship just a little while longer is worth it. Be the lighthouse.

So I didn't end up buying the condo after all -- and I'm completely moved back home as of June 7th. I'm still looking for a place, but as an investment property, not to live there. I NEVER want to end up kicked out of my home again with nowhere to go. Maybe at some time W will agree to put my name on the house. Maybe not. Maybe at some point we'll actually get married -- we never did and I really want to have that security and level of commitment. It's one day at a time. Ups and downs. The hurt of her betrayal is still there, but she's doing her best to help me feel better. I'm lucky. And I worked the DB principles as best I could! Still am, in fact. Not perfectly. Far from it. But we all do the best we can.