Feeling lost 2

[srt]

Anyone at all out there reading this?
If so I'd appreciate any advice that can be given from my posts over the last few months.

[doodler]

Is this an attempt to reel me in or is it her way of crying for help? She has admitted she is wanting me to sweep her off her feet, yet will not sit down and discuss our future together. She has also said of all the things she wants to do (holidays, travel etc) that she see's me there! She has definitely noticed all the positive changes I have made.

srt,

I think your wife is trying to keep her options open. That seems to be a common theme; keep the husband on the hook as long as possible (i.e. having the cake and eating it too).

That comes with a disclaimer; I'm terrible at the DB stuff. Maybe darknes, betterm or someone else will stop by. (Hint: You can post to their threads.)

[Cadet]

Is this an attempt to reel me in or is it her way of crying for help?

I would say both.

I think you are on the right track don't let her reel you in,
or is that what your divorce is going to look like.

Her crying for help and you continuing to provide it after you are divorced?

[srt]

Hi, I'm trying my absolute best to allow absolutely NO cake eating.

However I'm starting to think maybe I am being TOO hard - as in she is complaining I'm punishing her. Things I suppose I'd do for other people I'm downright not doing for her e.g. reminding her she has mail, etc etc.

I'm wondering if a slight softening might be worth trying?

[srt]

sorry forgot to say thanks earlier to you both
It's been a long time since I've had any feedback as to the path I'm taking and whether it is the right one.

[doodler]

Hi, I'm trying my absolute best to allow absolutely NO cake eating.

srt,

However I'm starting to think maybe I am being TOO hard - as in she is complaining I'm punishing her. Things I suppose I'd do for other people I'm downright not doing for her e.g. reminding her she has mail, etc etc.

I'm wondering if a slight softening might be worth trying?

I varied a lot, between hard and soft, while my wife was still living in the house. The DB coaches tend to be soft. Soft never seemed to work for me, but maybe I wasn't patient enough, I don't know. When I took a harder stance, I felt better about myself; I didn't feel like a doormat.

I think the "hard or soft" question is somewhat situation dependent. And, it may also be dependent on the personalities involved. I'm generally a soft person, but when it comes to my WW, I'm tough as nails. If I don't stand up to her she'll squash me under foot.

That's a long non-answer. I'm hoping some else can do a better job.

[srt]

My W is not very confident, and I've been pretty hard for a while now. I'm figuring it's time to give SOFTER a chance, whilst still maintaining boundaries and my dignity.

She herself does seem to be softening towards me, but is also cycling. I suppose I've got to ensure I'm being loving whilst still being neighbourly - previously I think I may have been doing things more against her than for me.

I'll try this with a beginners mind! Wish me luck

[doodler]

Good luck!

[srt]

so far so good,

W stayed as long as any time recently, talking about her recent hols w kids at last changeover. We agreed to meet again to talk about M, we'll see if and when that happens, a date has been set.

Also W did raise her concerns about her Mom and how she is difficult to be around - that's good in that it takes the spotlight off me and shows her what a life of D and holidays with M&P would be like!!!

The slight softening seemed to get her to open up a bit and show some real emotions, but nothing like on the scale I saw at counselling.

Gonna try and have some fun this week with kids, camping, fishing, etc etc

[srt]

W just phoned to ask if she could come round to collect something - she realised she had left it here after checking her mail (which she is v forgetful about - only collected it 2 times in 10 months!)

She then came round, collected item, made a fuss of kissing the kids and left.

Kinda glad she doesn't feel like she can't come round, but still hoping for more.

I guess I need to continue to detach, just this recent revelation about her missing me, and a complete inability to make any decisions or actions to meeting up have put me through the mangle a bit again.

I stayed positive and cheery through both our interactions this evening, glad I managed to stay cool. I've also taken to looking her in the eye a lot more - hopefully this will come across as confidence and warmth, as opposed to hostility as I know my body language is positive and non-confrontational, as was hers tonight.