Yes, I have read almost all the threads you recommended. I'm not perfect but making good progress on the pursuing. I'm fighting literally years of wrong behaviours of my chasing him.
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
Buxom, Try to focus on consistency, this takes a lot of trial and error. If I had been in your situation (WH coming to me about laundry and having a "hurt" tone) I would not have gone to his room to "temp check." He is going to push your buttons, ebb and flow, be up and down. You will respond by being calm, confident and steady. You mentioned being polite by going to his room, it would not have been rude to simply stay in your room and settle in for the night. You wanted to soothe your anxiety by going to his room and him possibly being nice before bed time, this is codependency. I know because I have been there, done that. The biggest challenge for me was learning to self soothe, to not use my WH as a way to know how to feel. It hurts me when WH talks about missing the OW, about hw he felt in love with her and never has had that for me. Instead of showing my anguish and dissecting (and defending myself) his every word I just kept repeating the mantra "Believe NOTHING they say and only half of what they do."
Right now your WH is actively involved in an EA at best and a PA at worst. He doesn't care if you love him, he is not loving you right now. Logic, love, gifting will not work, it appears desperate and pursuing. When he is in the house in the evenings I would leave for an hour, go drive around and call a friend to chat. The 180 is for YOU and not for WH. When I am spiraling very hard I will go to YouTube and either watch a video by MWD or a TED talk about self care. It does help, even a little is better than nothing. I would also suggest going through BluWave's threads, she went through he// and back and has a lot of good, concrete advice.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Well, he got up earlier than usual, got ready and left an hour early for work. No contact, no bye, just made it thru his morning routine in record time and Ran out! He must be more hurt than I thot. I can imagine he would be expecting me to apologise and try to fix or make up and that urge was there for me. To my credit, I did not get up and make contact. Very hard for me! I feel like I should do something! I Do Realize there is nothing to do other than self care and not pursue further. Makes me so angry that he is being so childish. Makes it hard to not be cold when he gets home late tonight after AA, in a mood like this he won't be home for supper esp since both kids will be at work.
I'll work on not letting it affect me today. I do tend to bounce back quicker now than a week or two ago. I read GAL and 180 daily at least and read and re-read the recommended articles and posts. Need more GAL I suppose.
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
Sara, thank you so much for taking the time to share! I was reading some of you threads last night and felt our sitch were similar. You are right, I am codependent and I was trying to soothe myself and smooth things over. It had been two nice days in a row and I hated that my honesty could derail it. I know it was bond to happen, the ebb and flow, but u just want it to last. Yes, I should have just let it be but I made it worse. Only been dbing for under three weeks. Growing pains I guess. I do appreciate your input and your wisdom and strength. Thank you!!
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
He must be more hurt than I thot. I can imagine he would be expecting me to apologise and try to fix or make up and that urge was there for me.
Stop this, this is called mind reading. You have no idea what he is thinking or feeling. All you know is what his actions are not his feelings or thoughts. Heck, even if he tells you his thoughts and feelings that is not dependable, my WH changes those from minute to minute. Believe NOTHING they say and only half of what they DO.
If I come across harsh please accept my apology. My intent is to spare you the pain of my past mistakes. Your WH is taking up too much head space and he does not deserve that privilege. You are the queen and right now he is less than a pauper. I know it sounds funny but I watched the Tudors and watched Queen Catherine of Aragon and saw what grace and dignity she comported herself even in the face her (jerk of a husbands) infidelity and childish tempers. You and I are Queens, above this stupid petty childish behavior our WHs are exhibiting. We do not need to wonder what's going through their pea brains, we worry about our own back yard.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Buxom -- just wanted to drop by to try to give you a little support. My sitch isn't exactly like yours other than that we're both still living with our spouses. I find it really, really difficult to detach, especially with two kids (D12, S9) in the home who we are trying to shield from what's going on as much as possible, which causes me to probably be more outgoing/available with W than I would be were we alone (or, certainly, if we were separated). The wayward being there helps from the GAL perspective, though, because they see everything new you're doing, how you're getting healthier, stronger, happier (even if you're faking a little or a lot) which they couldn't do much if they didn't still live with us, but it makes detaching much, much harder, I think. So we're in a bit of the same boat on that side of things.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know I understand how hard implementing the DB techniques can be when the WW/WH is right there, in the house, doing what they do. I find it very difficult not to try to see how she's feeling, if there's any change, etc. I know it's not helpful and is in fact harmful (pursuing), but getting there really does require a huge effort and fundamental change. I try not to beat myself up when I screw up, but I tend to to it anyway, because I know it sets things back to where they were before any progress started each time.
THe GALing I find a lot easier/natural than the 180/direct interaction work. When in doubt, or really struggling with wanting to reach out (pursue), I retreat to somewhere quiet and start brainstorming new or additional ways to GAL in the immediate short-term (i.e., next week or so), then I really try to follow through with those. I think it will only ever change for us in the way that we hope it will if our waywards wake up one day and realize we're not "there" in the way we've always been. And even then, we'll have to be strong and not let them just re-establish the old dynamics, if/when that happens.
Hang in there!
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
You have no idea what is going on in his head or why he got up early and ran out. It may have nothing to do with YOU.
Stop imagining what he is thinking.
Cadet, I do get it. It's been a habit of my fixer, codependent style of the last five years. U r right, it may have nothing to do with me. I wish I had left well enough alone last night. I also get that when I try to think of what he's doing and thinking, I'm not focused on me and what I can control. This is such a huge shift in focus and pattern. I try hard and I'm exhausted.
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
