My thoughts are with you all. I have been keeping up with you all just not posting. It has been a long time since my last update but I’ve really been trying to use my energy for my own mental, physical, and most importantly my emotional well being. If there is a group of people in this world that I know understands where I’m coming from it is you all. My apologies for not checking in and posting more often.
Since my last post I’ve done a tremendous amount of healing and growing for myself. However I am constantly reminded how much more I can continue to improve, but I guess that’s life.
I’ve made new friends, been involved in many activities, and basically have had a great time enjoying the summer and living life. I’ve realized how many things I am thankful for.
I have also realized why I chose her to be my wife. Not that I’m holding onto anything at all, but being single again has reminded me that no one is perfect, LOL!
Many things have happened between us that shows signs of ambivelance and maybe more from her. But since she is unwilling to clearly communicate, I’m not going to interpret her words. I do wonder sometimes if there will be so much BS said that I will need to be hit on the head with a 2x4 if she ever were to want to reconcile. Like “I want to reconcile you idiot”. But shouldn’t this be the clear communication among adults? If any of you have had experience with your WAW and how they came about this subject (this means you Betsey! As well as others) I would be interested to know.
She seems like she is trying harder to connect lately. She’s more friendly on phone and in person.
She still continues to cry often and at any moment
Some soundbites from the recent past:
I've been thinking a lot about you lately and I’m kind of looking forward to getting away just to have some peace of mind for a little while.
I don't know
Our marriage wasn’t all that bad
If you want to get together and talk when I get back that would be great (this is the first time she has offered this, especially after saying she would never have another R talk with me again. Of course she didn’t follow up on having this talk)
I would like to bring my sister over to act as a mediator (figuring out settlement agreement) in case we can't agree on somthing. I also think it would help me be less emotional.
(After stating why I would really prefer that her sister didn't come over) Ok you are right, I just think that my sister being there might help me be less of an emotional wreck. Everytime I'm over there we never seem to get much progress and it ends badly. I leave and cry for hours and hours afterwards.
No I didn’t go to their wedding (mutual friends), I'm pretty depressed lately and didn't feel like going to a wedding.
I'm not going to buy somthing off their register because they would have to split things up and this process is too painful (Positive Attitude? Not Really!)
Can the dog come over (I invited her when we were figuring out the settlement)? I thought you didn’t want to see her anymore? (I said I am choosing not to see her right now, there is a big difference.)
I don’t believe in love anymore. I don’t believe in marriage anymore.
After I asked some questions as to why. She said she still believes in these things but just isn’t going to be all “gung ho” on them now. WTF????
Packing and moving the rest of her stuff was very emotional. It seemed much more so for her than for me. She cried often and pretty heavily. I reached out to hug her a couple times, it seemed like she really needed it. She embraced me and was sobbing heavily. I pulled back to look at her face full of tears and was going to kiss her forehead, she gave me her lips instead. Again, WTF????
Regarding the papers, I just got the “filled out” version from her attorney. There was a period when they were supposedly lost in the mail. Should I believe this? I have let go. It seems she is holding on?
I then received a short note from her recently that said
Thank you for your generosity and tolerance of my tears. This process is hard and so sad for me even thought it was/is my choice. I miss our life and your friendship. My heart aches and I cry over the pending end of something that was so precious to me. As of course tears flow now and I’m at work so I’ll wrap it up. I’m truly sorry and appreciate your kindness.
Then she goes into writing about something we already agreed upon.
The year anniversary of the bomb is a few weeks away and her birthday is this week. I’m thinking of writing a short birthday card essentially saying that we all make choices, make choices everyday, and it is up to each of us to choose to change the things in our lives. Choosing to change the present and the future. We can’t change the past. And leave it at that.
I’m not sure under what situation I would entertain her coming back, but it would have to meet a lot of my needs before I would consider it. But I do want her to heal, find out what she is really looking for, it is too important to not clearly communicate.
Whatever she is looking or wants there is no way she will get it unless she asks for it. It just seems to me that she is afraid of losing face with the rest of the world if she stops this.
My connundrum with my priorities is I really don’t want to deal with this craziness anymore. I want some forward progress and her ambivelance destroys that and my sanity.
