The begining of the rest of my new life? (3)

[Ripe]

SH really means still here. Thank you.
I don't know where to start.
So many things are happening in such a short time.
Thursday was my day with the kids, but I agreed to allow them to go with STBXW to a friend's birthday.
I asked for the following Monday (yesterday), since the kids wouldn't have school. Things started to heat and STBXW said from now on we should stick to the days we have established. I said the kids would then stay with me. STBXW started raising her voice in front of the kids. We split.
Friday I was in such panic that I asked my IC for a session. I am thinking about trying to stay in this foreign country just not to be apart from the kids.
I then went for a weekend abroad, since I could not stay alone the whole weekend. It was a great weekend, I visited new places and met new people.
On Monday I realized I feel relieved. Knowing that my M is really over puts an end to my DB efforts and allows me to move on. Finally!
Today STBXW asked to meet to talk about the kids.
She said we cannot go to the courts to discuss our kids' future; that we need to find a solution ourselves; and that if we don't find it she is willing to let the kids go back with me just so that we don't put the decision in a stranger's hands.
Just half an hour ago she called me and asked me to pay for the skype session she has with her IC. She does not have homebanking so I have been doing the payments. I refused and told her I had already told her twice she had to take care of it.
I now have the urge to call her and tell her I will take care of the payment. I had never confronted her like that.
This is nuts.
Why do I feel relieved knowing that I have a new life waiting for me since my marriage is dead and still feel guilt for not doing as she asked me?

[SH_]

Drive by heck in to see how Ripe is doing.

Sounds like things are moving all around day to day for you.

Hope you are doing well and find things progressing for you.

[SH_]

I wanted to thank you for the post on my thread about detachment.

I really appreciate the perspective of it.

I hope you share more of the things you have been reading and following. You have shared a lot of stuff that I really like to seek out and learn from.

How are things going for you ripe. I hope you are finding some resolutions to the sitch with your children.

[SH_]

Drive by check in to see how my friend Ripe is doing.

[Ripe]

My dear SH,
I have not felt well with myself.
I am in the process of taking some very hard decisions on what to do with my life and they might take me apart from my sons.
I have no energy so I have stopped posting.
Worse than that, I am now catching myself cursing God, Who does not help me with my sitch.
Why do I go to church and why am I a good catholic if this is what I get in return?
Does He even exist?
What use do I have for Him in my life?
F**k!!!

[SH_]

Ripe, I do understand your thoughts and doubts around God.
I am sad to say that I cut that part out of my life over a decade ago after some very difficult challenges with my W.
Now I am not proud to say it but I knew I was wrong and for the past several years I was trying to find a way back to him.
In my heart I know that there is a higher power. I sense it. I feel it. My study of successful and happy people all show proof of the higher powers regardless of the religious background, culture and time in history.

Great men and women have suffered various things and stayed true to their faith, belief and commitment to God, and or the higher power.

I do not share this to convince you of what you should believe or not believe, but I do share this as my personal experience tells me that there is a higher power. A God and he/it wants me to progress, grow and become a better version of what I am and grow from the pain, challenges and obstacles that are before me.

I follow a man that is called the Hip Hop Preacher and he said that a flawed diamond is far more precious than a smooth stone.
You and I have our flaws that contributed to our situations. You and I must endure the pain of the decision from our STBX. You and I have a responsibility to our children no matter how it looks. You and I must go through the immense pressure that it takes to do these things and we can do so by remembering the pressure it takes to make that diamond. And that diamond with its flaws will still provide more value to our future surroundings than any smooth stone that did not endure what we will have.

Read the story of Job. It provides insight and hope. It is a reflection of what you are going though now in the early stages. Read the story in its entirety and know that you too, can come out on the other end and prosper.
Maintain your faith my brother. Do not let go of the hope.
I pray for you and your family and I do understand your internal conflict with God.

Be well and find some peace this day my friend. Stop and pause for even a moment and force yourself to see the good in an awful situation and you will, if even for a moment, feel the calm. That is the moment God can provide you comfort.

[Ripe]

SH_, you cannot start to imagine how much your words mean to me.
Thank you so much for them.
Because of you, last Sunday I went to the mass and prayed for all the men and women from this forum who are trying to save their marriages and, if not, to become better persons.
I still have faith, I feel that I will always have faith.
However, now my perspective is different.
I have to conduct my life in accordance with the morals I was taught and with the principles I believe in.
I will however not hope for some divine intervention in my life, I will not ask for a miracle. I will stop requesting for things to become better when I was the responsible for them to be bad in the first place. I will stop asking for other persons' free will to be changed in accordance with my wishes and what would be best for me.
I will accept what comes my way, live with it and move on. I will stop thinking in terms of rewards or punishments.
I will sow what I reaped.
What space in me is left for the Divine I don't know, but I will always believe in a High Power.
I will seek comfort in Him, but will not expect for Him to intervene in my life.

By the way, today a decision is about to be taken by others that will impact lastingly my life and that of my kids.
I want to ask for your prayers and thoughts.

[SH_]

Ripe you and your family have been in my prayers.

I hope that a decision was made that you can be at peace with and find comfort.

I am here for you my friend and will lend any moral support I can and words of peace and comfort as guided but the powers above.

You will prevail and you will be made whole and strong on the other side of this challenge.

[Ripe]

A decision has been taken by others above me.
I am leaving the international organization and going back home in two weeks.
It's against my will but I have not power to change it.
The kids flew with STBXW to our home country one week ago for the Summer vacations.
They are at my mother's.
They thought they would come back to their house, school and friends.
They might not.
Now is the real deal.
STBXW and I will be living one continent away from each other, since she found a job in this foreign land she is starting in September.
Now my kids will only have one parent with them. For real.
I still cannot process it.
I had decided to stay one more year to give my kids their last opportunity of having both parents close by.
All of my dear colleagues and friends say that things happen for a reason.
One said that we only have one perspective of things, while God has the whole perspective.
SH_, I don't know what they are worth, but please keep praying for my family.

[SH_]

Ripe you are in my prayers as is your family.
Keep seeking answers and inspiration as they will come to you so that your family and you may benefit.

Check out these ted talks as I know how you enjoy this kind of material.

How to Stop Suffering -Morty Lefkoe
The secrets to becoming Mentally strong - Amy Morin.