Back but for a different reason

[ClingingToHope]

Ah toxic people. When xw and I separated in 2009 one saving grace was that my uncle said I could bring my girls over to swim in his inground pool any time I wanted. We swam a lot in 2009 and 2010. Then in 2011, he told me the house next door to him was coming available. I made a quick call, struck a deal and moved in.

It was tiiiiinnnnnnyyyyyyy. Maybe 1,000 square feet at the most. No dining room. We ate on a little rolling tea table in the living room.

It wasn't an apartment though. My girls could be as loud as they wanted. And we really enjoyed the pool. Especially the younger daughter.

The house got to be too small so when one of my best friends offered me his house at a discount so he could move to Florida, we took him up on it. That summer - 2014 - we didn't swim nearly as often. The oldest one no longer wanted to be in a swimsuit and the younger one didn't like driving back wet - even though it was just like five blocks away.

In 2015, my uncle said he wasn't going to open it. It was getting to be too much for him and we weren't over enough. I tried to promise we'd use it more ... but it was no use. And then he died later that year. He was a hard drinker when he was younger. He didn't do himself any favors health wise.

D13 hates having to swim in public pools. She got spoiled a bit. She still talks about how great it was to swim in my uncle's pool. This summer, she's getting used to it. We don't swim as much ... now there's a cost ... but we're getting out a bit.

Two days ago, on Facebook, I saw a picture of my cousin's wife next to the pool and she posted how she's ready to relax. My aunt reopened the pool! I messaged my aunt and didn't hear back. So I went over there and I could tell by her look what she was about to say.

My cousin, my uncle's surviving son, was behind reopening the pool. I needed to ask him. I've always stepped lightly around my cousin. He's just an angry guy. Funny thing is he knows it. At his brother's funeral, he talked about how he was mad that his brother had gotten sick at a young age and sucked up all of their parents' attention.

At his dad's funeral he talked about how mad he was at his father because he drank so much he kind of ceased being a dad. Jesus, when his dad laid helpless and dying, my cousin used that as a chance to get all his anger out that had been building up.

Anyway, I sent my cousin a message on Facebook. D13 would jump for joy if she could swim in the pool once or twice a week. My cousin and his wife work 80 hours a week at a rehab clinic they own. There is no one in that pool 99 percent of the time.

And oh boy did I get a message back. Twenty years worth of pent up anger about things I'd long ago forgotten about. Money supposedly I owed. Tools I broke. I've seen this guy at holidays, his daughter's weddings, his brother's and father's funeral. I even called him a few times for advice back when I was first separated. And this stuff never came up.

I answered back in as neutral a tone as possible. I defended myself on some things and apologized on others ... and told him I was grateful for some of the things he helped me with. And I said he wasn't hurting my feelings, he was punishing D13.

Then I said take care and unfriended him. Then I asked his family members, who I all truly like, to unfriend my daughters. I didn't want some random pool photo showing up on their feed and having them ask why we haven't been over there.

Waht truly irks me is that I feel weak. The fact I'm in this financial mess means I can't just sit back and say "screw it, I'll get a pool next summer." I don't know if I'll be filing for bankruptcy next summer.

I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate this feeling of weakness. And I've had it almost without fail since 2009.