My turn... Part 3

[Cole_]

Is your W still in contact with the same OM?

She works with OM and his brother so she has an opportunity to see him every day. She doesn't make a conscious effort to avoid seeing him and has even brought our kids to see him long after Dday and long after I told both of them that I didn't want him anywhere near our kids. I have learned, however, that he started dating other women and has been avoiding her. Not that it counts for much.

We are friends with OM's family entire. OM's parents are like a third set of grandparents for our kids and OM and his brother were "uncles" to our kids. She won't consider leaving her office or severing ties with his family. I know it's not a competition, but at times it feels like I have to fight not only the idealistic perception she has of OM but the idealistic picture she has of his family.

Has there ever been any type of affair in the past?

Two years after we were married and a year after our first child she started to become distant and refused to leave our kids with anyone so we could have date nights. I thought it might have just been the usual fatigue and relationship changes that come with being new parents. I expressed my concerns but was told that she was just tired. I later learned through phone records that she was talking to an old boyfriend on her way to and from work and that they were texting back and forth quite frequently. The flirtation was primarily on the old boyfriend's end but I confronted her. After getting over her anger at the "violation of privacy" she was pretty remorseful. From her perspective, she was going through a period where she didn't feel those "in love" feelings anymore and wanted a male opinion. I explained it was inappropriate and that she needed to come to me with these things not an old flame.

What has been the type of approach you've taken toward her leaving you, and her affair?

I made a lot of mistakes in the beginning. A month before I heard her say ILYBINILWY, we had a fight over her increasing avoidance and lack of intimacy and for the first time ever she expressed everything that has built up resentment in her over the years. I heard what she said and started making changes. Seriously. The next week, I hit the gym and started my path to getting back in shape. I also started trying to address every other issue she said she had with me.

When she later said ILYBINILWY, I lost my mind and pursued her. I know now that it only pushed her away more. She said she needed space and began learning a hobby with OM. I told her I was concerned about the time she was spending with another man when our relationship was in a weakened state but she of course just got defensive. 2-3 weeks later, I discovered her emotional affair when I snooped, went through her phone, and found test messages that contained a nude photo OM sent her. I lost my mind on the discovery and experienced the whole range of PTSD symptoms but my anger was mostly quiet and controlled.

We had one huge fight when I found a birthday gift and card she bought OM after dday. Details are in my previous posts, but I was otherwise trying to work through things by focusing on my weight training and being a great dad. After some convincing, she agreed to see an MC that did more harm than good. I saw an IC that helped me but I was still admittedly depressed and over emotional. We spent 6-8 months in what was basically an in-home separation while she continued to engage in a relationship with OM while stating she had gone NC. Probably biggest reason we had an in-home separation was that we were waiting to sell our home and also wanted to minimize impact on the kids.

The whole time I've expressed my desire to fight for our marriage. I accept responsibility for being imperfect and having contributed in some way to a marriage that needed work but refuse any responsibility for the affair. I am firm that she made a conscious choice to avoid working with me to improve our marriage, and by pursuing a relationship with OM, she made a conscious choice to break our wedding vows and deeply hurt me and our children.

Now, I mostly just engage her when dealing with the logistics of our still intermingled lives (finances insurance, childcare, etc) and spending time with our kids. She'll occasionally text me questions about fixing up things in her new house, which I still answer and try to be amicable/witty in doing so, but I've not pursued her or brought up any discussion of our relationship. The one exception is on the day we move out of our house. When I left her to spend my first night in my apartment, I told her that at some point when she was ready we needed to have a discussion to set expectations for our separation and our relationship moving forward because it was in everyone's best interest to do so. Her response was just to not worry about it and see how things go.

In my mind, she is treating this like a trial run for divorce. She gets to see how it feels to live and take care of the kids on her own and I'm the backup plan if she doesn't like it or finds out she actually does miss me when I'm gone. She says she still had love for me but isn't "in love" with me and regardless of what happens, wants me in her life and that of our kids. It feels like she wants me around as a friend because that helps her reconcile whatever negative thoughts she may have about what transpired.