WHs do come back--Piecing--acceptance & time

[BluWave]

There are a few of you that I wanted to reply to, but since it is the same feedback, I thought I would put it here. I certainly can relate to the spinning and feeling that even when you are "doing everything right," it still doesn't work. You are not getting the results you want.

So I want to challenge some of you (you know who you are) to change the way you measure results. Just shift the way you are thinking. The way you can measure results is in your small successes with DB and not in what your spouse is doing. You cannot control what they will do, or if they will even notice your changes, but you can slowly control your actions and the way you think about your sitch.

So, try and set up your list of goals as small, but measurable, things that you CAN do. Your success in DB is if you can do those things and for each of you, depending on where you are in this process, the goals will be different.

If you are not sure where to begin, and you keep spinning and looking to your spouse for results, then you are setting yourself up for failure. It will take them a LONG time to notice, change, or come around. When they do, you will know. So stop trying to look and analyze.

So start with a list, and if you don't have one, take some from Sandi's rules. Next, measure your success on your ability to DO them. Start off by measuring success on your ability to follow day by day, then by week, and for those of you that have been in this a while, month by month. For me, I could have started with hour by hour!

I wish I had done this. I kept looking behind me to see if H had noticed or was coming back around. It was a lot of (painful) wasted energy and I never had success. I think I would have felt better about myself, if I recognized where I was going right and gave myself credit where it was due. That was some hard stuff. And I still got up every day, took care of my kids, went to work, spent time with my family/friends, and then I did it again, day after day. Looking back on it, I see now that I worried about him far too much, and that is not what brought him back.

Just my 2 cents for today.
Cheers.
-Blu