In short: over the course of 1 1/2 years I accidentally became addicted to pain killers, we had a child with no family around to help, we bought/sold a house, my wife began a new executive level job, I am in graduate school, her died got cancer and lived. Lots of stress in life. She began an affair with a subordinate co-worker which I think was emotional for two months until it went physical in December. I found out about in February and called her out. We sold our new house and separated mutually but she had told me she would end the affair but did not know how. I gave her time and space. I could not figure out how to do no contact when we have a four year old. I did the best I could. She still tells me she loves me, we have gone on dates, she just went to my parents together on the 4th of July. I just about never contact her (unless kid related) and make her be the first to contact me, which she chooses to do daily. I thought things were good, but she told me I should see other women which naturally made me suspect. I drove by her house and saw the AP's truck was there at night. I have not told her I did this, I felt bad for me as I told myself I would not spy after I called her out last Feb. Now I feel all the garbage that I felt back then all over again. I tried to keep this short, but I hope it's enough to get advice. Yes I am and have been in therapy, yes I have been drug free for 5 months, and yes I want to still be married to her (otherwise I would not be here).
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
I moved your post the the Newcomers thread. More people should see it in Newcomers and be able to offer you support.
Pat yourself on the back for getting off the pain meds. Good for you!
Sounds like there is a bit of cake eating going on here. She could be reaching out to you to be sure you are a solid plan B if things don't work out with OM.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
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You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
So, first I am new to chat rooms so I'm not sure how to quote yet, but thank you to all who replied. I already feel welcomed and like water appeared in the desert. Second, thank you for the cheers on drug free. I hope you appreciate how odd it was to claim to be a drug addict when the drugs were supplied by a doctor, maybe not so strange these days. Third, one piece I left out, my therapist who is a doctor officially diagnosed me me with type 2 ADHA... I had never known, but when I read some psychology studies of women married to men who did not know the men had ADHD they all ended with the likelihood of an affair out of desperation. I sent that to my wife and she said it was identical to her experience. Last, I might be plan B, but I should say that I do believe her affair is a symptom of something far worse in her past (emotional abuse, incest/rape, absent father,am drunk mother) I should say that her and I have been off and on for 22 years, with the longest together for 6 years of marriage which resulted in our 4 year old son and we both have a single brief marriage to others in our past. Ok, more may come out in other posts and let me say right now, I am fully aware that I am still in love with this woman, her sleeping with another man is not my main problem I can get over that, and I am completely aware I am so ridiculous right now that I may be over justifying....I came here for the truth of strangers proven to be friends. Thank you in advance.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thank you cadet. I have an important question for you and everyone here. At 8 months since her affair went physical. And she is still seeing the same guy, but hiding it from me, 7 months since d day and 6 months since we moved to separate locations....am I too late in coming here, is it to late to use the book?
Thank you
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
She still tells me she loves me, we have gone on dates, she just went to my parents together on the 4th of July.
Whats your reasoning for doing all of these things?
Sounds like she gets all of the benefits of being married without actually wanting to be married. I think you need to stop with this kind of stuff until shes ready to actually commit to you.
Thank you cadet. I have an important question for you and everyone here. At 8 months since her affair went physical. And she is still seeing the same guy, but hiding it from me, 7 months since d day and 6 months since we moved to separate locations....am I too late in coming here, is it to late to use the book?
Thank you
I think it is too late when they put you in a box and pile dirt on you. Until then you have a chance.
Well, the reason seemed obvious to me at the time....I thought she had stopped seeing her AP and that we could work towards getting better and rebuilding. Now that I just found out (and she does not know that I did) that she is still seeing the AP I have come here for advice and support on how I should proceed. I still love her, I still want to be married to her, I still want to repair. I just don't know what to do and you all are helping me learn.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
