Not sure what to do

[CT1118]

In short: over the course of 1 1/2 years I accidentally became addicted to pain killers, we had a child with no family around to help, we bought/sold a house, my wife began a new executive level job, I am in graduate school, her died got cancer and lived. Lots of stress in life. She began an affair with a subordinate co-worker which I think was emotional for two months until it went physical in December. I found out about in February and called her out. We sold our new house and separated mutually but she had told me she would end the affair but did not know how. I gave her time and space. I could not figure out how to do no contact when we have a four year old. I did the best I could.
She still tells me she loves me, we have gone on dates, she just went to my parents together on the 4th of July. I just about never contact her (unless kid related) and make her be the first to contact me, which she chooses to do daily. I thought things were good, but she told me I should see other women which naturally made me suspect. I drove by her house and saw the AP's truck was there at night. I have not told her I did this, I felt bad for me as I told myself I would not spy after I called her out last Feb. Now I feel all the garbage that I felt back then all over again. I tried to keep this short, but I hope it's enough to get advice. Yes I am and have been in therapy, yes I have been drug free for 5 months, and yes I want to still be married to her (otherwise I would not be here).