Being there to help v going dark:balance

[Surfer]

Ah - think I have taken a step back....not sure. W just called. I have been trying to stick to texts. The call was about confirming when I would have the kids this week. Not a big deal we are working towards something more rigid but we need to talk this through - we struggle to communicate at the moment without it becoming blame and arguments.

She told me she was having a bad day, I validated, she then asked if I was okay (she very, very rarely does this) - I told her I was having to deal with something at work which (basically about to leave and set up a new company whilst very busy). We talked and said "why are you not talking to me", you shutting me out is not working. I said we were not communicating well when we talk so I have to avoid that (she is still very full of criticism and blame). I said I know she is struggling but we can't make it worse by having unproductive arguments.She started to say it didn't help when you did A, B, C etc, basically exiting arguments in front of the children (she was not criticizing, more explaining). I heard this and said I was sorry to come across that way but I think there needs to be more respect in our discussions and I can't have the children see any more arguments. I guess I was trying to explain why my boundaries exist (silence for poor communication).

I said I do know how you feel and I am sorry I have left you feeling unheard and if there are things she needs to talk to me about she can but there needs to be respect from us both. She said she does not have a lack of respect for me. I said well on that basis call if you need to talk, but it needs to be productive.

We said other things - when she started to escalate (very slightly) I explained that if this was to become unproductive there is no point. She respected that and calmed down.

I don't know if I have done the right thing? We are about to start the mediation process and I miss her lots today (funny how you have massive ups and downs day by day - today a bit down).

I felt for her (perhaps a bit needy inside) during our conversation. I said I am here for her if she wants a respectful conversation, I also said I do think about them constantly. I think I acted well by working on boundaries so didn't come across that too needy and did really listen. But I am worried this approach might not be the best. It felt right to say what I said but, I don't want to reeled back in by 'the alien'. Perhaps I just need to give less of a sh!t. At the end of the day all I said was "You can call me if you want to and I will listen (but we need conversations with respect)".

Don't know.....hard to tell if you are doing the right thing at times.