Ugh. This evening we agreed to discuss Non Violent Communication.
I read an article on NVC. Then he launched into a conversation that was a monologue and said so much I didn't know when or how to respond.
I said "Well you said a lot and let me try to see if I got it all."
Of course I didn't get it all. But what he said was regardless of whether we stay together we should try to behave in a mutually beneficial way. He said he's not happy.

We've also made an offer on a house. So doing that is very confusing to me because I don't see why we would be buying a house when we're considering separating. He said he wants to make sure that the children have a place to stay and that we each have good places to live.
Then I said, well I wouldn't think we'd be getting a four bedroom place - instead we'd get two small condos or something instead.
I said I didn't really understand our finances and it seems like we should do one thing at a time- first figure out whether we're staying together.
Then figure out our housing.
He said well "You're almost 50 you should be able to figure out your finances, what would do if we were separated." I said we'll I'd get a financial advisor.
I found myself very very triggered by the conversation. btw.
I said you aren't happy.
I'm not happy either. Then he added - I'm happy - just not with us. I said "right, me too - I'm not happy with us in our relationship but I'm happy in other areas. "
He said "I don't feel safe around you and I don't see a way to feel safe" At this point I felt really irritated at his refusal to take any responsibility for his feelings or his part ever. For his broken record tape.
For his refusal to go to marriage therapy for any reasonable length of time.
For his constant noticing of negative stuff about me. (Tonight was that I put the two different types of coffee beans into two jars instead of leaving them in the ziplock bags. He didn't want me to mix them.

I didn't mix them.
He wanted to know why I "touched them" after he told me not to. I said I put them in jars and they're not mixed at all. He made a 'whatever' expression.
Anyway, he had given me a to- do list with the children before he went out and then was disappointed that I wasn't ready to meet him when he returned - but they weren't ready for bed yet. Feel damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I felt so irritated and upset and I could feel myself losing it so I stormed out and made a comment about how it would be great if he would be committed to our marriage enough to see a counselor and try to find solutions instead of always looking for problems. When we get into these conversations I naturally point out how he could try more... but how do I do the t'ai chi action of not taking the opposite side.

How do I 180 these conversations about how he doesn't think it will work but he doesn't know... he doesn't feel safe... he's not happy... he hasn't made up his mind... etc.
I know I'm all over the place.
I wonder if anyone can help me refocus and restrategize.
I've stopped wearing any ring at all on my ring finger.
He stopped wearing his and i grew out of mine and had been wearing other odd ball rings.

Last edited by Cadet; 07/17/16 05:04 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability