Being there to help v going dark:balance

[sandi2]

I would welcome any tips on how to deal with this and thoughts on why my wife is putting herself first, before our children, to have an argument

Selfishness is her motivation.

Apparently, she enjoys lashing out at you and getting her way.

I agree with not putting yourself into a similar position again. There is no reason you should escort the kids to the door.

I read your note about a WW being sad possibly = OM being out of the picture. I agree with this. However, is rebellion (partying, reckless spending etc) enough as opposed to an OM - could rebellion provide sufficient payoff to the WW?

Well, I was actually talking about more of a mood. The A/OM becomes her addiction. Many times, the H will see his WW acting as if she is in a happy mood.......having a good day, etc. He thinks to himself that maybe this is a sign that things are getting better in the MR.......b/c she's in a better mood. In reality, she has had a fix for her addiction (some type of contact with the OM) and it is that fix that has her in a chipper mood. If she has had no contact with her affair partner in a little while, then her craving starts kicking and she may seem very down.

Also how do you confront your wife BA ("B@lls Attached") when the children are always present. Bit tricky that one....or do you leave the conversation and revisit it another time? It's like my WW uses the children as a shield. Her tongue is her sword (and my word it is sharp - as is her ability to manipulate) and the presence of children or others is her shield. She can lash out and injure then put up the shield to defend. Any thoughts on how to deal with this? Comments like "I see what you are saying there" doesn't really cut it as my WW will just continue 'going'? Don't get me wrong here, I don't want to attack back, but there needs to be a boundary/consequence at times.

The children are her leverage and she knows she gets away with more, if it's in their presence. She treats you this way b/c she gets away with it.

Comments like "I see what you are saying there" doesn't really cut it as my WW will just continue 'going'? Don't get me wrong here, I don't want to attack back, but there needs to be a boundary/consequence at times.

I agree. I don't think saying something like that would cause her to see you standing tall and not taking her sh't. For example, you could tell her that you will not be disrespected in front of your children. However, you have to know what you can do as a consequence. Not going into her house or inviting her into yours, is one way. Telling her all discussions will be by email, is another. For sure, don't just stand there trying to give her words of validation, while she verbally whips you.

The first thought you may have is concern about reconciling if communication is through email only. IMHO, it would not matter. It's better than allowing her to show disrespect. She has to be convinced you will stick with it. Don't show her you are afraid to lose her. In fact, she should be concerned about losing you.