MLC vs Midlife Reboot

[ciluzen]

Thanks HaWho. That 1 month for every year idea is interesting. I cant even imagine what another year and a few months will bring.
It did help me to breathe a bit slower.

I guess on the third after I was venting/texting my D25 about how I felt left out/jealous/lonely/angry/sad (all of the above), she spoke to my H about it, because she didn't know how to "make me happy". That sort of sealed the deal...don't put D in that spot no matter how tempted I am. I knew better, but it brought home the reality of how much it upsets her. It also made H realize that, though I'm not bringing up R to him, I'm still unhappy about this whole thing and still affected by his actions. Ugggh. Live and learn.

School is tough, but I'm going to get this! I am not enjoying learning Excel and Word while I'm trying to take a statistics class. But I will! My psych class is great, though.

Friday my world got rocked a bit when I got an email from my L. My second mediation time is set up. H actually quit dragging his feet long enough to do it. It felt like a punch in the gut, but after a few hours I recovered. I should have set up GAL time rather than study time all weekend! But it did help me to have to concentrate on my school work and not on H.

Then he called the next day to talk about his experience getting the rest of the stuff from the house so I listened. I brought up our mediation date and he said he asked his L if we could just work it out on our own...discuss what I want and all that. Apparently she was ok with it. He was so nonchalant about it so I just said sure. I guess that's better than a costly mediator. So, if this "meeting" happens (its on him to cancel our appointment) ...then it happens. I just accept that he wants out.

Its less than a year since bomb drop. 9 months since he moved out. Less than a month since our house closed and I moved to my own apartment and started school. I try hard not to contact him unless its important. He keeps contacting me. I want to read into it, but there is always a "reason".

During his phone call he brought up a comedian who was interviewed on the news that he'd never heard of. He thought I might enjoy seeing his show since he was in town. I told him it was funny, that I listen to his radio show a lot and that my friend had just asked to go the night before...I would have gone if I had time. He said he thought the guy seemed like he might be fun to see and just thought I'd like that.

Funny. He keeps doing that. Bringing things up that he "thinks I would like" or "thinks I'd enjoy". Is he trying to help me find myself? Trying to see if he knows what I like? Trying to SHOW that he knows what I like? He said he felt my best bet at being happy was to be not married to him. Is he trying to help me to realize that? Trying to see if we still have interests in common? I know I over analyze and question, but its confusing.

I look back to when the bomb drop was and see...he's not so angry anymore. Maybe what he said to my D is true. The stress got to him and...he just didn't want to be married anymore. I'm still here. I hope he realizes someday that I am. I just feel I'm learning and changing so much and so fast. My newer friends tell me I've changed enormous amounts just in this past year (almost year). Who knows who I will be in a few years. This is so surreal.